What to do about H.S. coach who allows players to drink, chew and smoke?

Some coaches and alcohol can be successful.  

 

LHP Thats the way it is at 2016 HS.Well maybe not.We have talked and 2016 is fully aware to do the opposite of his HCs(FB+BB) and things will probably be fine.2016 freshman year he was accused of passing drugs in hall.Hauled down to AP and searched down to drawers without me being contacted.Ended up accuser must have been mistaken(adult school official).He waited till a couple of days into christmas break before he filled me in. 2016 soph. year opening FB game Top lineman along with starting QB at minimum(only 99.999% sure on others) took aderal just before game.The lineman 6 5 290 must have took to much.didn't play 2nd half ambo called as soon as the kids hit locker room post game.Nothing happened to anyone.I am only using the info that those involved told 2016 while it was happening.We live by one of those private clubs that has old strip pits full of water on edge of town.Any weekend you can go out there and the HS kids are drinking.Its been that way forever.After fri. nite FB games kids have to be at school for "film review" at 8AM what do you think 8am is all about.All info is from 2016 and a handful of the guys and couple girls that are in and out of here.

First you need to define misbehavior.  The original post was about those common young adult transgressions - drinking, smoking and now chewing.  And done off school premises on their own time.  Drinking certainly can have negative effects and cause major problems (i.e.; dui).  Smoking and chewing are really health issues.  What if the kid is in NYC and has an "illegal" 32 oz. soda?  And do you make any distinction between a 14 year old freshman vs. an 18 year old senior going into the Marines when he graduates?  Is any of this really the school's purview if it is not at a school function? 

 

We all remember the scene in the Sandlot when the kids went to the carnival and tried tobacco.  I'll bet most of us laughed because we remembered doing the same thing.  They got sick and puked.  So did we.  Today, those same kids have criminal records and are suspend from school.   

 

Don't get me wrong.  These are all behaviors we would rather our kids not engage in.  But they are far from the crimes of the century.  There are parental and legal consequences for the behavior.  I was a pretty good kid.  Never in trouble.  But under today's standards I'd be serving a life sentence in Alcatraz.   

 

Most of us did stupid stuff when we were younger, and we worry that our kids will do some of the same.  I am certain that Ryno has made some mistakes, but I am grateful that he has had strong coaching influences to guide him.  Ryan's travel coach has been an outstanding leader, and his high school coach played for Coach Chef at Lewis and Clark State.  If you know him, then you know Ryan's coach wants high character guys who work hard and do things the right way.  Super tough, but you know he cares.

When I was 14 my parents sent me away to a very exclusive summer camp. When lights were out we sometimes would go under the bunk and smoke. If we were caught we would have been sent home. I don't think that we really thought about the consequences.

 

At 16 I went to Spain to study for the summer at the University in Salamantica for HS credits in spanish, we missed a lot of class by going to the bars and drinking sangria until we got sick.  Imagine getting caught and being sent home, my folks would have killed me!

 

At 18 we would go to NYC (lived in jersey) where the legal drinking age was 18. Not sure how we made it home half the time.

 

I wont even get into what went on in college.

 

I turned out ok!

 

I would bet you all have stories to tell. 

 

 

I'm going to take potential behavior problems to the next level. I warned my son in high school and again when he went away to college. A good looking jock attracts women like flies. In this day and age all it takes to be in a lot of trouble is the girl/woman waking up in the morning with regrets. If she says, "He talked me into it" whether it's true or not, you're in a lot of trouble. It could derail your life plans.

 

Ironically, if a woman hits on a woman there's a double standard. My daughter complained to her college softball coach about being hit on by teammates without naming names.** Her coach told her to tune it out. I had travel girls I coached transfer over this problem. When my daughter talked to her former travel team about college recruiting she advised they look for programs with male coaches or married female coaches. This has nothing to do with homophobia. It had to do with how her situation was ignored by the coach. She figured if she went to the AD her time in the program would be over.

 

** An NCAA study about ten years ago determined 40% of D1 female athletes are lesbians

And suddenly our butting heads makes more sense....Essex County, nice to meet you!

West Orange.
Not trying to butt heads B. I saw life the same as you did when my kids were growing up. And I was tough..my daughter rebelled..son I was cooler with. I got slack from daughter  I was too lenient with him...lol. But she had more hormonal stuff going on before he did.
But I look back and it was kid stuff. They were pretty good but they were kids. Now adults...we laugh about stuff.

Some of these rules imposed these days ridiculous. If it happens on school property or at a function, they deserve whatever they get. Outside of school its on my watch and I call the shots.
Worry about those who bring weapons to school and bully others.
Thats real bad stuff right there.

I would like to add that my comments have been based on what I consider a "good" approach towards raising a child.  I have opinions on school rules and punishment and will agree that they are often poorly written and applied (heard about an honor student getting expelled - helped move his grandmother over the weekend and a kitchen knife got left in his truck - zero tolerance).  I guess it boils down to having as many resources as possible.  I am very glad my 2017 plays HS baseball - I think it gives him a better connection to the school and an understanding of competing priorities (grades vs sports).  I do occassionally reach out to teachers and in those discussions make sure they understand that they should have high expectations - may not always be met but a much better place to teach from.  2017 spends much more time with coaches than with an individual teacher and therefore I hope the coaches either explicitly or implicitly outline behavioral expectations.  Coaches won't prevent a true thug from doing criminal acts, but a coach can keep a kid from repeating "stupid" acts though moral suasion and perhaps a little running on the side.  Go coaches!  

Bloomfield

I hopefully won't have to worry about weapons...but we never know.

 

I know the original poster deleted her posting (odd that keeps happening), but one of her points was why the kids still got to play while being suspended from school.  Has anyone else experienced that?  When I was in HS if I didn't go to school that day, due to illness or even a funeral, I was not allowed to compete in my event.  Have times changed, is baseball that much different than Track and Field, or was my school just weird?

The coaches rules usually are you dont go to school you dont go to practice  then you sit out.
But the OP deleted and never returned. So we never will know what really happened. 
And that happens very often around here..as you can see. Lol

Monmouth County!!  Another Jersey boy.  I know if my kids today did what I did back then, they'd be in jail for sure.  I was probably worse than most by the time I got out of HS, but many of the kid stuff I did back then would bring major charges today.  Things are different now and I don't think in a good way.

 

I'll also point out that if kids now a days got caught on school property with any kind of drugs or alcohol, they would be arrested on the spot and probably expelled from school.  Not sure if it's everywhere, but here in Georgia, they have actual police officers in the schools during school hours.  So, any illegal activities are criminal offenses, not just school disciplinary actions.  There have even been kids who get in a fight at school that are taken to jail, not just the principals office.  I don't agree with that, but it is what it is.

 

I agree with TPM.  Kids are going to do this kind of stuff.  Maybe not all of the mentioned offenses, but they will do something they are not supposed to do.  If you think your kid is different, you are wrong.  The best we can hope for as parents is that we continue to pound into them the right thing to do and hope they don't make any life changing mistakes.  I also agree that getting an MIP is a WAY different situation than getting a DUI.  I know my kids drank prior to the legal age.  I don't have a huge problem with it as long as they are smart about it and as long as they don't drive AT ALL after drinking.  These days a DUI is a life changing charge, not to mention the very real possibility of getting killed or killing someone else.  You just can't take the chance.

 

The OP was deleted before I got a chance to read it, but based on what has been said here, no matter where our kids are or how much we try to protect them, they will be around what we consider "bad influences".  Just because they play baseball doesn't mean that they won't be exposed to it - including by teammates.  We can only hope to provide our kids with the advice and guidance they need to make good decisions.

That makes sense too...I miss Sandy Hook

Spent my life growing up on the beach in Sea Bright!!

TPM is exactly right:  Players can in some situations be suspended from school and still participate in after-school activities.  For that reason, many ADs/coaches have players/parents (of any sport) sign a Code of Conduct agreement as soon as the player makes the team.  This agreement covers suspensions, ejections, conduct expectations and many other items that may not be in the school's Student Handbook.

 

Back in the day, there was no question:  If you were suspended, you didn't participate in ANY after-school activity (sports, prom, Student Council, etc.).  Things are much different today.  I've seen kids get suspended, then be offered "Saturday school" to make-up the day.  The suspension stays on the kid's record, but the school can now be paid for the day the kid missed.  That's an entirely different conversation, but it's definitely a different world than the one in which we grew-up.

Here in Georgia, if you miss school for any reason, you cannot participate in extracurricular activities that day.  Whether it be suspension, being sick, skipping school or whatever.  Possibly unless it's an excused absence like a Dr.s appt.  But, unless you're in school, you can't participate.  It's a rule.

To me, tobacco and alcohol are not equivalent offenses. 

In my mind, tobacco is a personal health issue whereas alcohol also effects behavior.

I wouldn't look the other way if I thought one of my players was dipping at our games or practices. But I wouldn't throw the book at them the way I would with alcohol.

There is a ton of truth in this.  Not to steer this far off path but the continued criminalization and incredibly harsh treatment of certain crimes is something that should get much more debate than it does.

 

If your kid ends up in a Dorm room and someone has pot or any other narcotic and they all go down for possession it can damage significantly employment prospects almost everywhere including the corner grocery store.  They will not be able to pass a criminal background check.  And by the way how is that legal?  If you are not in jail and you have squared up with society in the judicial system why can you be discriminated against in the employment process?

 

Some kids are bad and just need to be culled out but wrecking anyone under 25 life for some of the stuff our society does is a foolish waste.

 

To my mind there really are two tiers at play here, things that impact others and those that do not.  Drunk Driving - Can kill or injure anyone and needs to have strong consequences.  Smoking or chewing almost anything - are things that generally impact the person only.  That should have a different thought process associated with it IMO.

 

 

Some good thoughts on the criminalization of certain crimes.  Some aspect of raising a well adjusted productive person is to ensure that they are aware of their surroundings and be able to determine when any situation becomes too much.  Maybe the lowest level of this is social media - they might not be doing anything too bad, but if they get caught up in some weird conversations, they could get tagged with the material in the end.  Is this "fair"?  No, but one of life's main lessons - life's not always fair.  I'm hoping to make life a little fairer for my kids by making sure they walk away when they should and run away when they should.  I can hopefully change their attitudes even if I can't change the laws and rules that I don't necessarily agree with 100%.

 

Also, just saw an article on whether alcohol or pot was worse for youngsters - alcohol was chosen hands down - not even close based on their measurables.  You go to the big house for pot - can be a felony as it is deemed a schedule I controlled substance.  As far as my kids are concerned, it is off limits because it is illegal whether or not I might agree.  One of these situations where avoiding a felony outweighs all other arguments for now. 

 

How about steriods?  Steriod use might be a good issue to discuss in this thread.  Would anyone argue that steriod use should be at the discretion of parent/player and not simply banned?  Does anyone want to argue that such a ban is a stupid rule and should be abolished?  Is this something that should be tolerated outside of the dugout ike drinking and smoking (just do't inject on schoold property)?  On a more serous note, we've got laws and school regulations that we have to live by.  We can work to change these over time, but in the meantime, my focus is on how best to leverage whatever resources I have.  I'd like for my kid's baseball coach to be one of those resources.

 

I heard from a friend who is a college softball umpire that this orientation is prevalent. 

How much would it costs to hear your stories from college?  

Well since the OP abandoned this thread and deleted her post I'm guessing we can talk about anything we want to talk about...until an admin shuts this down.

 

As for steroids...I was just informed last night that it is a problem running rampant in our high schools....so that will be added to the list of things I never thought to talk about with my 7th grader....right up there with why "sniffing" anything is bad, aerosol cans are not for getting high, and cinnamon should be treated as a spice and nothing else!  We have already covered the falsehood that yes, even if the girl jumps up and down after sex the girl CAN still get pregnant....the kid rumor mill strikes again!

I heard it works well if they start jumping up and down as soon as a boys speaks to them.

 

In trying to summarize, lots of things are prohibited - most of these things are bad and should be prohibited and others not so bad but probably not the end of the world if they are prohibited.  Certainly need to teach your kid to appreciate the difference.  On a related note, your kid needs to understand that sometimes the punishment related to a prohibited act may be way too oppressive compared to the act itself.  This bit of wisdom you impart has nothing to do with right and wrong (hopefully you've already covered that) but rather teaches them to identify, undestand and appreciate the consequences.  This is truly a life skill and will help them not only when they are facing a "prohibited" activity, but also when they are making daily life decisions on down the line.  Having the parent be the judge and jury can give a kid a very myopic view of behavior - if dad/mom doesn't catch me I'm ok.  I like it when my kid gets into minor "trouble" with teachers/coaches - helps him understand authority outside of the house.

Monmouth University grad here.  Spent summers in Sea Bright on a boat as a youngsters.  Do you remember the Highland Island Spa?  Or max embers or windmill in west end at beach?

HEY, all you NOUR JOUR SEEEE guys/gals, get a room.

 

Let's get back on topic griping about coaches/parents and what they should be doing.

 

I know!!!  How off topic...that is the accent from SOUTH jersey, which hasn't even been discussed

Haha!!  I know RedFish.  I just sent TPM a PM, thinking the same thing!!  Hopefully that's the end of the Jersey distraction.  

 My son dipped in HS and through college and in early pro years, not in public or at the field. When you hang around coaches, and scouts and players this happens.  You also turn to this as you are limited to stuff you can take. Two years ago he came to me to tell me he was addicted, so with the help of the patch and gum he is now good.

Its not  good for you, and the cancer scares have helped. The story of Curt Shilling is enough to scare anyone.

Football saturdays in big college programs (and small) is national tailgate day. Everyone drinks on and off campus.  What I find funny is on the other 6 days on campus you can get a summons or MIP if not legal age. Where is the irony in that?

Weed is not a punishable offense in proball. You get a warning. It's use has become more and more prevalent. I would much rather my kid go out and smoke a joint rather than take amphetamines, oxy codeine, etc.

My daughter just came back from Beaver Creek from a ski trip. She said on the slopes she could get high from the smell alone.  They seem to be doing just fine.

 

Maybe Root can give his thoughts as he lives in Colorado. 

 

I am totally against the steroid thing, but as much as they try to stop it, impossible. I wont get into details but don't think for a moment it has been all cleaned up in pro sports.

You decide as a parent when your son is under your roof how far you will go.  You have to allow some leeway for your kids to grow up on their own, but if it is in excess, then you have an issue.

I am so glad that I do not have to raise kids anymore!

TPM - you point out some valid disortions.  Below are a few of my pet peeves so to speak - please add your own:

 

Would you rather your 16yo drink a 12oz light beer or a 24 oz megacaff supersugar drink with an iron maiden on the label costing $3.50?  Please note if your answer is based on the relative health issues or legal issues.

 

Would you rather your 16yo smoke cigarattes, pot or vape (?) some cotton candy flavored mist apparently containing formaldahyde?  Again, health or legal basis for answer.

 

Does your 16yo son have a copy of the recent SI swimsuit issue?  Am at a loss what they are going to do next year.  I wonder what the principal at my school would have done if they found a picture like that in my locker.

 

What happened to driving at 16 being a privledge (can I borrow the car) turning into the expectation of a new set of wheels on the actual bday?  I can maybe live with a set of wheels, but a new set.

 

On the first two I choose light beer and pot based on health issues but go with megacaff and vape for legal reasons.

 

 

Wow, I'm biting my tongue on some of this $%^&.  As an FYI, my daughter plays college softball and she and vast majority of her teammates have boyfriends.  In fact, probably all but 2 have boyfriends.  I guess stereotyping is in.  

 

Why is it that we can't believe our child or "are fooling ourselves" if they tell us they don't drink or do drugs?  Is there the slightest chance that there are good kids out there that obey their parents and do what they are supposed to do like follow a Code of Conduct? 

 

I'd better stop before I really get going. 

I just want to say that whatever you did made this post get emailed to me 3 times.   I thought rather than saying something harsh you were gesticulating by posting over and over.  I didn't mind though, just had to come on the board to see if you had actually posted it 3 times. +1 CoachB25!

When a post is edited by someone that you follow, each edited post is sent to your email (I think)

       
       

I think you're referring to what I said coach. Just to clarify, I never said every kid does drugs or drinks. I believe my son said he had a few college teammates that did not drink in HS. What I said is that kids will do things they are not supposed to do. That encompasses a lot more than just drugs or alcohol. Could be cheating on a test, telling their parent they are going one place and actually going to another, skipping a class in school, cursing around their friends but not around you. There are many more things that could be considered "doing things they're not supposed to do".

I was so mad that I messed up and posted it 3 times.  I then deleted the others.

 

It is very hard for parents of college softball players to deal with this stereotype.  When I have mentioned that my daughter plays, it almost seems to be a requirement to say she has a boyfriend. The bigger the player is, the more they seem to fit the stereotype.  The truth is, there are homosexual players in every sport and I would imagine that the percentages are fairly equal.  My daughter is #9 and so, you can see that she is not small.  Her boyfriend plays that one sport, soccc, at her university and is 6'5" tall. 

We went to Tijuana and Ensenada to drink where drinking age was irrlevant. I'm sure there's an impression from a face plant of mine somewhere in Hussong's Cantina. From Ensenada we drove home along the cliffs on roads narrower than American roads between Ensenada and Tijuana.. 

 

When my kids were little we lived in Agoura Hills. Every year a car of high school kids from Conejo Valley would crash in Malibu Canyon returning from drinking on the beach in Malibu. When we moved away I thought, "I won't have to deal with that."

I know the original poster deleted her posting (odd that keeps happening), but one of her points was why the kids still got to play while being suspended from school.  Has anyone else experienced that?  

 

At our high school kids were ineligible if they weren't in school by 10am the day of a game. Chances are being suspended from school for behavior came with a 90 day suspension from school activities.

It's not a stereotype. A NCAA poll of D1 female athletes about ten years ago determined about 40% are lesbians. That's high compared to every day life. When I told my daughter it was 40% her response was "That low?" There were girls from the travel team who transferred due to sexual harassment from teammates.

 

My daughter had a boyfriend from soph year on. She told him to be very visible. She's married to him now. I never worried about what someone thought about her sexuality because she played three high school sports and college softball. My daughter is 5'10". If it comes up in conversation and I get a funny look I'll tell the person she's married now.

 

Once the boundaries were established my daughter didn't have any issues with the sexuality of her teammates. She socialized with them based on being teammates and friends.

"Based on the 2013 NHIS data [collected in 2013 from 34,557 adults aged 18 and over], 96.6% of adults identified as straight, 1.6% identified as gay or lesbian, and 0.7% identified as bisexual. The remaining 1.1% of adults identified as “something else[]” [0.2%,] stated “I don’t know the answer[]” [0.4%] or refused to provide an answer [0.6%]."

 

Generally speaking, that's an awful small percentage of the US population for so many concessions being made to them legally.  With all the attention they get, you would think it would be a lot higher.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease I guess.

Oops, you spelled JOISEY wrong!