Coaches playing favorites

Welcome to the site. 

What should you do?  If your son loves to play the game, encourage him to always work hard to be the best player he can be.  Encourage him to always be a good teammate, regardless of the efforts and attitude of the others.  Never allow him (or yourself) to fall into the thinking that it is coach favoritism, whether there is any degree of truth to it or not.  That will just take away from where his focus needs to be and enable him to be an excuse maker going forward.  If he hears you talking about coach favoritism, he will follow your lead.  Don't go there.  Set the right example.  

There will always be hurdles for every player to overcome.  Politics, injury, seniority, depth at your position, lack of skill set, conditioning, age difference, lack of access to good instruction, budget.. the list is endless.  The message should always be to work hard enough to jump the hurdle... and then start working hard again for the next.  Because they will keep presenting themselves.  That's part of the beauty of it.  One of the objectives should be to work so hard, your skill set improves to the point that you leave no doubt for any coach that you should be on the field, no matter the circumstances.

You didn't say what age the players are.  I suspect on the younger side.  You have come to the right place.  You can also search threads by topic.  The other thing you should do is USE THIS INVALUABLE RESOURCE YOU HAVE FOUND!

What age group are we discussing? Is it rec or travel? If travel, what level? How many coaches have kids on the team? How many players are friends of the coach’s kids? How long has your son been on the team? How long have the other players been on the team? How many games have been played? Do the coaches know how to teach baseball? 

@MA2304 posted:

How do I handle this situation?

Find a new team

I disagree with cabbage that you should just ignore the fact that the coach is playing favorites if that is the case.  However, I would caution to be sure that you aren't looking using your "daddy-glasses".  My wife and even sometimes kid will do that.  Other times, there is clear preferential treatment going on, and I tell them to just deal with it (if the coach is otherwise good), or we make a plan if we no longer want to play for the team.  Personally, I'd much rather have a coach play favorites and be overall good at what he does than to not and be bad overall. 

If a player is losing out to favoritism work harder to get better. The best players don’t get screwed for long. Average players sometimes get screwed. Or their parents don’t see what the coach sees and believes their kid is better than others when he’s not. The reality is a player doesn’t get better because he gets one more at bat in a game. A player gets better because he takes hours of batting practice away from the team.

@RJM posted:

If a player is losing out to favoritism work harder to get better. The best players don’t get screwed for long. Average players sometimes get screwed. Or their parents don’t see what the coach sees and believes their kid is better than others when he’s not. The reality is a player doesn’t get better because he gets one more at bat in a game. A player gets better because he takes hours of batting practice away from the team.

I agree with that. Sometimes a coach is really biased but usually favoritism is the 10th best kid playing over the 8th best kid and not the 18th best kid playing while the 3rd best kid sits on the bench.

At higher levels a coach simply can't afford to sit real studs because his job hinges on winning games and unless the competition is terrible you dont win if you sit studs on the bench. In 9u little league that might be different of course.

And even with those small favoritisms were the coach plays the 10th best hitter and sits the 8th best there might be a reason for this. Maybe he is sleeping with his mother but maybe also the 8th best kid is a PITA to deal with and the marginal upgrade over the 10th best isn't worth the stress.

Again welcome to the website.   Lots of answers and opinions within these electronic pages.  All of my 3 sons played baseball through high school and one had the talent to play in college.   Time goes very quickly.   I get the impression your question is being asked through the lens of new baseball parent with a younger son.  If your kids loves baseball as much as my kids did the best thing you can do is to constantly work with him to get better, AND make it fun.  Kids learn quickly, and the better they get at baseball skills the more confident they get and the more they will enjoy playing and practicing baseball.   Never stop playing catch, going to the batting cage, or crouching behind homeplate to work on pitching.  This is a real special time, and an opportunity to bond with your son like no other.  As I said earlier, it goes fast.

In terms of how to deal with coaches playing favorites...it happens.   I've seen it, we've all seen it and a lot of us have experienced it.    Step over it.   Keep working with him on his skills.   Sign up for different youth leagues and ask around about the best youth coaches.  Word gets around about the best coaches.   My kids were young playing summer rec ball and fall rec ball, and I always asked around about the best coaches.   When good coaches weren't available, I volunteered to coach rec baseball.   I got pretty good at it (I was told), and I eventually started a travel team who's goal was to get all our players to make their high school teams.   When my kids got old enough they were trying out for various travel teams and playing rec baseball with their friends.    As long as they were having fun, we supported them and worked with them on their baseball skills.   By working with your son on his baseball skills you are controlling the things that you can control.  As the kids get older, the Daddy- ball goes away and the Coach is under more pressure to win.  When coaches are under pressure to win you'll see the 9 best players on the field which is based on their skill set.

Good luck!

@Viking0 posted:

I disagree with cabbage that you should just ignore the fact that the coach is playing favorites if that is the case.  However, I would caution to be sure that you aren't looking using your "daddy-glasses".  My wife and even sometimes kid will do that.  Other times, there is clear preferential treatment going on, and I tell them to just deal with it (if the coach is otherwise good), or we make a plan if we no longer want to play for the team.  Personally, I'd much rather have a coach play favorites and be overall good at what he does than to not and be bad overall. 

A few questions for you, Viking...  

Have you ever met a parent that doesn't have some level of rose colored "daddy-glasses"?  Don't we all, at least to some extent?  It is innate with caring, loving parents - impossible for 99% of us to "be sure you aren't looking using your daddy-glasses"  And a decent player will almost always see himself as better than others as well, again, with some bias.

What happens when the kid gets to HS and transferring isn't a viable or wise option - he really wants to play for his school but he perceives favoritism with others that play his position/s?  What happens if the kid is good enough to get recruited to a college and shows up on campus and sees the coach/es have favorite upperclassmen or he's just not otherwise getting the playing time opportunities he thinks he deserves?  Do you transfer at every turn where you perceive some wrongdoing?  What happens if he is blessed enough to be drafted but gets into an organization that is currently focused more on advancing their Latin players?  Ya can't quit and pick another organization.  What happens when he steps into the work force and finds that there is a good-ol'-boy network going on and he is having challenges climbing the ladder quickly in with an otherwise ideal company in his chosen profession?  What happens when the inevitable difficult times come up in your marriage?

I know you also said you tell him to just deal with it so you don't totally disagree, but there are the bigger lessons to be learned here.  Work harder and smarter, use your resources and work with others to get where you want to be.  Don't allow any excuses to get in your way.  Sure, there are extraordinary exception scenarios where leaving/quitting/transferring/divorcing makes sense but ...

No coach/team/employer/wife/organization is ever going to be perfect.  What can we do on our part to make it better for myself and everyone involved?

Fenway touches on one of the best life lessons we can all learn and live by. Control what you can control. This will be a lifesaver in baseball and in life.  The best way to navigate the politics (and there will be some at all ages) is to be better than the politics.  Encourage your child to work so hard, get so good, that these things don't even touch him. If he's not getting what he needs from his coaches find new coaches (with a new team) or, if he can't switch because it's high school, additional coaches (private lessons on the side). 

My best advice as a parent, because I've seen it so many times, DO NOT participate in victim blaming with your child.  I've watched PARENTS kill their child's love of the game by complaining about politics and perceived slights.  It impacts how the child plays and is usually a self-fulfilling prophecy. If your child is venting to you, tell them you hear them and then ask, "now what should we do?" Hopefully their answer is "go to the cage to hit" or whatever  is needed to get the player to the next level.  Support that. 

Good luck

"No coach/team/employer/wife/organization is ever going to be perfect."

You can sleep on my couch. Because my wife is perfect. just saying.

@Good Knight posted:

"No coach/team/employer/wife/organization is ever going to be perfect."

 

You can sleep on my couch. Because my wife is perfect. just saying.

 

Haha.. apologies to your wife and congratulations!    You do bring up a good point though... really should have included self in that statement.

@cabbagedad posted:

A few questions for you, Viking...  

Have you ever met a parent that doesn't have some level of rose colored "daddy-glasses"?  Don't we all, at least to some extent?  It is innate with caring, loving parents - impossible for 99% of us to "be sure you aren't looking using your daddy-glasses"  And a decent player will almost always see himself as better than others as well, again, with some bias.

What happens when the kid gets to HS and transferring isn't a viable or wise option - he really wants to play for his school but he perceives favoritism with others that play his position/s?  What happens if the kid is good enough to get recruited to a college and shows up on campus and sees the coach/es have favorite upperclassmen or he's just not otherwise getting the playing time opportunities he thinks he deserves?  Do you transfer at every turn where you perceive some wrongdoing?  What happens if he is blessed enough to be drafted but gets into an organization that is currently focused more on advancing their Latin players?  Ya can't quit and pick another organization.  What happens when he steps into the work force and finds that there is a good-ol'-boy network going on and he is having challenges climbing the ladder quickly in with an otherwise ideal company in his chosen profession?  What happens when the inevitable difficult times come up in your marriage?

I know you also said you tell him to just deal with it so you don't totally disagree, but there are the bigger lessons to be learned here.  Work harder and smarter, use your resources and work with others to get where you want to be.  Don't allow any excuses to get in your way.  Sure, there are extraordinary exception scenarios where leaving/quitting/transferring/divorcing makes sense but ...

No coach/team/employer/wife/organization is ever going to be perfect.  What can we do on our part to make it better for myself and everyone involved?

A lot of kids are taught the wrong lesson at an early age. Their parents tell them the coach is a jerk, they’re getting screwed and find them a new team. Ultimately they move away from home as a college kid or the work world, hit a wall and don’t know what to do. They’ve never had to deal with the wall before. Mommy and daddy always tore it down for them.

One evening after practice in high school I complained to my father about anti Semitic comments a coach had directed towards me in practice. My father, a WWII veteran responded, “You can be a pussy and quit. Or you can man up and figure out how you’re going to deal with it.”

I was never that verbally harsh with my kids. But I used  the same philosophy. I figured my kids learning to push a teacher for an A and failing was a better lesson than me talking to the teacher and getting them the A. 

@cabbagedad posted:

Have you ever met a parent that doesn't have some level of rose colored "daddy-glasses"?  Don't we all, at least to some extent?  It is innate with caring, loving parents - impossible for 99% of us to "be sure you aren't looking using your daddy-glasses"  And a decent player will almost always see himself as better than others as well, again, with some bias.

What happens when the kid gets to HS and transferring isn't a viable or wise option - he really wants to play for his school but he perceives favoritism with others that play his position/s?  What happens if the kid is good enough to get recruited to a college and shows up on campus and sees the coach/es have favorite upperclassmen or he's just not otherwise getting the playing time opportunities he thinks he deserves?  Do you transfer at every turn where you perceive some wrongdoing?  What happens if he is blessed enough to be drafted but gets into an organization that is currently focused more on advancing their Latin players?  Ya can't quit and pick another organization.  What happens when he steps into the work force and finds that there is a good-ol'-boy network going on and he is having challenges climbing the ladder quickly in with an otherwise ideal company in his chosen profession?  What happens when the inevitable difficult times come up in your marriage?

I know you also said you tell him to just deal with it so you don't totally disagree, but there are the bigger lessons to be learned here.  Work harder and smarter, use your resources and work with others to get where you want to be.  Don't allow any excuses to get in your way.  Sure, there are extraordinary exception scenarios where leaving/quitting/transferring/divorcing makes sense but ...

No coach/team/employer/wife/organization is ever going to be perfect.  What can we do on our part to make it better for myself and everyone involved?

Interesting discussion and I don't think we are far off.  I am just one to believe that we should be honest with our kids.  If my kid (or another on the team) tells me that they see favoritism, I ask them to provide evidence.  If we just keep telling our kids that it doesn't exist when it is blatant, then I think we do them a disservice.  On the other hand, I will be the first one to defend a coach, trying to put things from their perspective.  

I have seen favoritism destroy both teams and work environments, and I think when trying to identify a place to work or a team, that is something that needs to be considered.  Once you are at somewhere for a period of time, it is the best to make the most of it, but to also acknowledge the situation. 

Thank you to everyone who chimed in greatly appreciated. No I don't have my "Daddy glasses" on because I'm a baseball mom to 3 boys. I have never been the kind of mom that expects my kids deserve whatever they want. But that they must earn it so when I see lazy ball players( coach's kids) out on the field and they are starters that pisses me off. Also when the owner and coaches on other teams inform my husband and I that they are interested in our boys- who all pitch as well and have been pushed to the side no longer pitching and not starting and I also am not the type to kiss a coaches ass because I know my kids skills speak for themselves it doesn't add up.  It seems like the parents that kiss their ass are starting but are the same kids who are to damn worried about getting dirty or to afraid to get hit by the ball. One of my boys recently got injured during a game so he had to be out for a while (doctors orders) well both coaches never checked up on him, I informed them on an update a week later and no response. How do I ask the coach why they dont have my kids pitching anymore when they have a great track record getting kids out? Also how do I ask why they arent starting either i just want to get an answer so I stop pondering over it and finish the season without the daily headaches!

MA2304,

So, it may be time for you & your husband to talk to whomever is running the team/organization and ask these questions.   However, I would be very careful how you ask the question about playing time given the situation you've described.   I've been in this situation with my oldest son when he was 14 years old and played on a state championship travel team.   He was a very good lefty hitter, and I couldn't understand why he wasn't hitting or hitting for himself in the lineup when he was pitching.  Well, I got some good reasons that my wife and were actually happy to hear.   So, please go into the conversation with an open mind and bury some of that frustration for the moment.   If the Coach comes back with no good reasons, well then you have your answer.  At the end of the day, your hard earned dollars are going to paying this organization to play baseball.  If they can't give  your kid a fair shake, then find another team.  BTW...It really bothers me that your son was hurt and none of the coaches checked in on him.   That really rubs me the wrong way.  That is not what good coaching looks like at any level.

JMO, and Good Luck!   Please let us know how this turns out.

Just curious, what exactly does parents who "kissed the coaches a$$"  mean?  That the dad helps out with the team?  That they give the team more money?   I mean, those things are necessary to run a team sometimes.  We certainly had some of those issues over the years in youth ball.  One year in 12U travel basketball, with dad coaches, my son never started, another kid did, who was clearly not as good.  I assume his dad was contributing more financially to the team than we were.  It was the last year of youth basketball, so after the final game I had a polite conversation, I think it went, how could my son improve for middle school next year, noting that he hadn't been a starter on this team (actually, I can't remember how it was phrased).  He hemmed and hawed, and said my son was good, and it was really useful for a team to have a good sixth man.  Not a comfortable conversation, it didn't tell me anything useful.  I don't think I spoke to a coach ever again.

@anotherparent posted:

He hemmed and hawed, and said my son was good, and it was really useful for a team to have a good sixth man.  Not a comfortable conversation, it didn't tell me anything useful.  I don't think I spoke to a coach ever again.

In middle school, I was the sixth man on my basketball team.  I am not sure if rules are the same but back then (1979 ish) you had to play a completely different group of 5 players for the 2Q of every game.  As the sixth man I lead the second quarter squad. Our coach at the time told the team I want Scott gunning up all the shots in 2Q.  From the moment he said that through high school everyone called me Gunner.   Thus my name on this site.  Now only my Mom and a few HS friends use that nickname.    Yeah, this has nothing to do with coaches playing favorites but felt like a good time to share.

Good coaches let the players decide, playing time. It’s that simple.

They won’t say “I’m sitting my best fielder and playing little Johnny at SS instead.”

If they do, they’re not a good coach and you must move on.  I’ve seen just as many parents cry daddy ball without merit as where its valid for ones who really do experience it. If it’s really valid, move on, work even harder. Enjoy it, don’t let it ruin your experience