How to spot a baseball coach.

He's the guy with...
1. ...the "white" socks that have that infield red shade to them.
2. ...the bruise on his throwing side butt cheek, due to the fact that it has increased in size through the years and now sticks out from behind the cutout of the L screen.
3. ...the shoes with one torn toe, from dragging the throwing side foot while throwing one kazillion b.p. pitches.
4. ...one dirty ear in need of "Q-tipping", from circle dragging the infield.
5. ...flaking, sunburned ear lobes and the baseball coaches version of the "farmer's tan".
6. ...the title. Even your nephews call you "coach". "Can I stay at Coach's house?"
7. ...an arm that no longer even requires warming up...it just makes it hurt more.
8. ...his eyes glued to the Weather Channel. Your favorite show is C.S.I., his is the local forecast on the eights.
9. ...the P.E. class, who when loaded onto the bus and told they are going on a field trip, now knows the "field" part of the trip is to the baseball field. And when told they are going to have a party, knows it's a "rock party".
10. ...the ability to go nearly unrecognized in public simply by going "capless". "Hey, Coach! I didn't recognize you without a cap on!"

I'm thinking I can make this into a routine like Foxworthy's Redneck gig. Maybe make a little money on the side to supplement the baseball budget

This reminded me of my:

100+ Ways You Know You're Youth Baseball Coach

People come up to you at a store that you have never seen before, call you coach and start talking to you as if you were best friends.
Your shoes are so filled with that red infield dirt that your socks turn red immediately upon putting your feet into the shoes.
You watch and MLB game and are telling the manager of your favorite team what he should do,
what he should have done, and what he will do when certain situations come
and that YOUR team could have played that last play better!
Your closet has more "volunteer coach" shirts in it than anything else
And you don't wear anything else!
You see a kid at another sport and you begin evaluating him whether he would make a good b-ball player, and then you actually go up to him and try to recruit him
When your friends call, they immediately ask if you are at a game
Friends? They're all at the game, too!
When you wake up in the morning, your first thought isn't about going to work, it's how you're going to do your lineup at your game today
You make an excuse to get out of work early so you can spend time with your kid on batting before the game
You spend too much time on eteamz coming up with 100 ways to know you are a youth league coach...
You come onto eteamz at least once a day and check the posts AND you get slammed by someone for attempting to come up with 100 ways you know you're a youth league coach (at least they kept it civil and fun on the other boards).
You get upset at anyone trying to have a little fun with your posts on eteamz that you take way too serious.
GLM's & DIA's are draft criterea
You seriously consider buying one of those hats that cover the back of your neck.
If your lawn looks good it's because your wife mowed it.
your garage has a section bigger than any other section of the garage filled with baseball stuff your wife has no idea why you have but you "need" every piece of equipment there for something to do with coaching
You've never cracked a rule book(unless you're one of those rare two-breeds that also umpire)
The employees and manager at the sporting goods store you go to know you by name and you get an automatic discount on every purchase because you've spent so much money there.
You have a separate bank account that your wife knows nothing about for your "baseball fund".
Your wife would really like some of the garage space to park her car in but theres too baseball/softball gear, cases of balls, and umpires gear for that to happen in the next 5 years
You instinctively scream "Going" at the top of your lungs when a base runner tries to steal second at a major league game.
A dead animal smells better than the wet and/or sweaty equipment in the trunk.
You could start your own league with all the equipment that never comes out of the car
You go to the mall and buy a new bat for your kid instead of replacing the ratty, ripped sneakers you've been wearing
You stop in the sporting goods store and forget why you came to the mall in the first place
Your spring diet regularly consists of NACHOS w/ side of peppers(need the veggies) - 2 pieces of BAZOOKA JOE - and a SUICIDE to wash it all down
You are too young for gray hair
You spend 10 out of 17 wedding anniversaries at the snack shack,(with your GLM)
The money spent for the gardner is not a problem during baseball season
Your car looks like a low rider with all the equipment in the trunk
When you see a GLM around town with her child, you think hmmm he could bat 11th or 12th
When your watching another baseball game on tv and your constantly telling your child too "look at what he does"...
When you screw up and spend valentines money on a hitting lesson for your child
If you miss your favorite movie or show just to go to the ballpark to watch the other teams kids...
Your doctor tells you that you need Tommy John surgery from all the batting practice you throw
GLM & DIA actually means something to you
Raccoon Eyes
Sun Block purchased at Costco by the gallon
You have lost more baseballs in the last year that you ever had combined as a kid
You actually begin to like the Shack Food
You can't drive by a ball field without stopping in
You yell out "Keep your glove down" in your sleep -- a lot
Rain .... Bad
It takes a hour to change a flat tire because of all the "equipment" in your trunk
Your circle of friends are all baseball coaches
Your work computer has more baseball spreadsheets and documents than work products
A "big night out on the town" means post-game pizza with your team
You don't need beach chairs, you have buckets to sit on
Your 9-year old son can quote the infield fly rule
Your dashboard is covered in ball dirt and you can't see you carpet
Everytime you make a turn in your vehicle, baseballs roll across the floorboard
You can't seem to get rid of scorebooks from 5 years ago
You drag and chalk the field to perfection, meanwhile the grass is a foot tall and you ran out of gas for your mower to put in the 4 wheeler
You're a bachelor coach and you go out to your friend's team who is also coaching to meet that single GLM that he's been telling you about
You walk into church with your scorebook so you have "something to do" during the sermon
You wonder why they don't have a Little League Visa Card yet
Vacations are planned around games, not the other way around
As you pull into the driveway you swear an oath that you will never again yell at your son for not being ready for his game...and then break it 3 minutes later
You have a collection of stories about various parts of your body that have been hit by baseballs
As much as you promise yourself you won't do it again because it drove you nuts when your dad did it, you still have some sentences that start with "when I was a kid."
You chew your kid out for throwing balls off the walls and swinging his bat inside the house, but walk away loving his desire for the game
You chew out your son and his friends/teammates for trying to play baseball in the house on a rainy day, but walk away loving the desire for the game.
You catch yourself practicing your signs in a mirror prior to the big game
Walk with a limp because you thought you could show the kids how it's done
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You pull your money clip out at the store and sunflower seeds fall all over the floor
You have permanent hat hair
At a company party you seem to be able to find the other b ball coaches to talk to
You cut your hair really short to get rid of the permanent hat hair
Your Fungo bat has a name
you wear your cup to the park just in case the umpire doesn't show up
You keep stopping by the Sporting goods store to by Whiffle balls because (like mayonaise) your keep thinking you're running low.
All of a sudden the dollar amount for "that" bat for your son doesn't seem like so much
You have left a family vacation for a ball game
balls in the ball bucket older than your youngest kid
you start saying "ain't" and "he did real good"...
you can find a rule in the book BEFORE the umpire can ...but it's the WRONG rule !
You ask for a fungo bat for Christmas

[*
You know someone nicknamed "PEANUT".
You yell the phrase "That's what I'm talkin about!" even you don't know the origin of the term....
You live for the freebie drinks and burgers as an ump
You actually think the nickname "grumpy" is kinda cool
Watching the very worst hitter on your team get his first hit is more meaningful than your own son going 4 for 4
Despite the fact that there have been 80+ previous listings, you can still come up with more
You size up every kid you meet as whether he plays baseball. The big kids get a thought,"man if he only played baseball
Half the ladies on your team are divorced, single or separated and you suddenly find yourself being asked to be the coach/daddy for these kids when they're playing baseball
Since some of them are GLM's, you are happy to oblige!
you carry field maintenance tools in the car... in case the shed or box is locked at the field.
you go to a particular pizza place with your team ...because they always have the game on, and you can continue to coach while the team stuffs itself with slices.
the only time you use a broom is... ...to dust off home plate
Your pants are always dirty at the cuffs
You can't sleep the night before opening day
You can't sleep the night after a close game because of "the call" that lost it.
You can't sleep the night after a close game that your team won in the last inning
3 Day weekend? No we're not going out of town, that's 3 days we can practice!"
You are the most disorganized *** on the planet. But, the evening before tryouts you have the car loaded with your chair, cooler, umbrella, 2 clipboards, extra evaluation sheets, a stopwatch. Extra credit if you include your laptop with extra long-life batteries
You like to drink (hard) every evening after work. Yet you've never had a drink before a practice or a game
You have a batting cage in your yard, and it did NOT come with the house
You TIVO the LL world series games, including the regionals
You do cartwheels inside when the fatest kid on the team shows up for the first practice with his own catcher's gear.
You provide your lineup to the other coach in spreadsheet form. You also have extra copies for all your parents! (BTW, I do this and parents love it)
Kids come up to you on the street or in the ice cream parlor or the store and say "Hi, coach" and you can't remember their name
A kid on the opposing team you had when he was 9 says "Hi, coach" before the game. Sure makes his current coach happy
You seriously think about acquiring your own left-handed catcher's mitt just in case, even though all your kids are righties
You know the location of every store with bottled water and packaged ice within a 30-mile radius of your home (which isn't where you sleep, it's the league's home field !)
Your kid is the one who gets to bat last in the first game to send a message, even if he's the best hitter on your team
You feel weird standing on grass or dirt without wearing cleats
You live for that look on a kid's face when he finally gets that first hit or pitches his first game
You know exactly where to park to avoid foul balls
You have two sets of catcher's gear of different sizes...just to be sure
You are a packing master. You can fit any equipment (including your son) into any size vehicle!
You offer unsolicited tips to other kids (not on your team) when you take your kid to the batting cage
You'll stay "just one more inning" watching a game that is not your own, even though you know you're going to hear it for being late
You sigh every time you drive by an unused baseball field on a summer day and remember when.
You hang here making these posts because "what work could you get done?" in the next twenty minutes before leaving for the field
You butt in and make sure the dad buys the right bat and/or glove for his kid and the store
You're not worried about your car being stolen, you worry about replacing all of the equipment in the back of it being lost
You explain to your players that their gloves and equipment are more valuable than the Mona Lisa
Your night to cook" = corn dogs, french fries, onion rings and popcorn chicken
Everytime you hear someone yell "Coach" your head rotates to the voice
You can tell every player on your roster a Hall of Famer who wore the same number and why wearing "7" is better than wearing the #12 he wanted to wea
Looking at the favorite places stored on your computer, there is nothing but baseball sites, message boards and rules boards
You offer to coach your FRIEND's team as well as your own, at least during practices, because you KNOW he doesn't know the first thing about batting
You offer to run the scoreboard for the next game so you can watch, but you tell your wife there was absolutely no-one to do it and it ABSOLUTELY had to be done!
Same as above, except you offer to umpire the next game when the blues don't show up
The bed of your pickup truck makes all kinds of banging noises every time you make a turn - baseballs rolling into the side walls
You open the door to your truck, somebody sees two bats in the front seat, and exclaim "you are either a baseball coach or you are going to a melee" (actually happnened once - told the lady I was just "prepared" lol)
Your co-workers can't figure you out because you never want to talk about ANYTHING they want to talk about, only how your team did last night and how excited you are that so and so finally made it on base
Your dog likes to chew up baseballs more than chew toys
Your back yard looks like a practice field for an MLB team with the nets, baseball, bats, equipment, pitching machine and other baseball contraptions you have laying around back there
Your wife plans her own personal vacations between February and June
When you use the word "jugs" in conversation you aren't talking about a GLM
Your wife has a party of her friends and you realize that your 9-year-old daughter (who has grown up at the ball field) knows more about baseball than all the guests combined. You spend the rest of the night going over your all-star picks with her
Your wife asks every year when you want to go on vacation. With spring, fall and winter ball you always answer December or August. Then you start hedging on August because this might be the year the kids go all the way. So just December if you want to be safe
You can't stand not looking at the posts just before you leave for the baseball field! (leaving in 15 minutes to ump an LL majors game)
You sow up the league title the game before you play the second place team and you still practice because you got some payback to deliver to avenge that one loss your team suffered
The only reason you know what date it is is because today you have a game (today is Wednesday, May 26, 2004, our game starts at 6:00 pm) Oops, take that back, there is a makeup game after today's game for two other teams so the game is starting at 5:30 pm instead!
tens of hundreds of soiled hats just waiting to be in someone's collection
All your players call you "coach". Even the neighbor kid across the street who've you know since he was in diapers and now plays on your team
Your son has more baseball pants in his closet than shorts for the summer
You "trail" your son the all the summer camps so you can see if there is something you can pick up from the college coaches
>
Even the college camp coaches know your name...see #34 above...and they all call you coach
Farmer's Tan!!!!
103-degree fever, but, you gotta game....
Not only do your players and neighborhood kids call you coach, the other managers in the league call you coach even when you're umpiring their games
YOUR parents send YOU gift certificates to sporting good stores for YOUR birthday (as opposed to giving them to your kids)
You've been around the sport so long, you forget to call them baseballs and refer to them as balls in situations where that may be interpreted as something else......
You have a Wisdom tooth removed earlier in the day so you won't miss you son's 7:45pm minor league playoff game. And further more, you tough out 6 innings at coaching 1b, and still have enough energy left to console you little ones after the tough loss........
You have intricate knee surgery to fix a ligament early in the day, you have to be knocked out, put in a non-movement cast. You wake up, go home, get prepared, and go out to the field to "side manage" your team from your wheelchair! (This actually happened with one of our managers this year, I was pretty amazed at this guy).
You know you've coached a long time when a "kid" with gray hair calls you Coach and his kids are in a league the same age as when you coached him
You start recruiting players for a fall ball team in March when fall ball doesn't start until September
If games are being played at the field, you route all your trips to stores and services so that you eventually drive by the fields - and of course stop
Once at the field, you get so involved in a "deep" conversation about playing philosophies or whatever, that you totally forget that you were supposed to go buy milk - and the wife calls and finds out where you're at
and you have a pre-made excuse to tell your wife
When you go into the sporting goods store for something you ALWAYS wander over to the baseball section and look at all the equipment and think..."Well, I might one day need that, you never know."
In # above you always leave the store with something baseball
The only thing your wife hates more than you going to the sporting goods store is taking your son with you
Your 4-year old son meets you at the door when he hears you get home from work and asks "Are you ready to go to the ballpark? (He knows that even though you don't have a game, that you will be going anyway to scout other teams.)
When you do have a game, your same 4-year old, stands beside the dugout fence the whole game yelling such phrases as "down and ready infield" and "come on guys, let's see some hustle out there".
You go into the Post Office or Grocery Store and someone says "Hey Coach" and you wonder, "who was that"?
Unless it's straight from the laundry, there are more sunflower seeds than coins in your pocket
A survivalist could make it a week without coming out of your car living off spilled sunflower seeds, half full boxes of Chewy bars
Same survivalist could clean your car interior using the empty Burger King bags as trash bags
You decide not to trade in/sell the SUV because
- it has no value with all the miles and
- it's good for sports

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