HOW TOXIC OF A BASEBALL PARENT ARE YOU?

It’s not uncommon for a parent to misjudge their kid’s physical ability. Imagine how hard it is to judge their mental ability when they’re good players. Most kids starting college ball never struggled through high school.

In a more polite manner when I was coaching a kid in preteen travel I told the mother her kid was wrapped too tight. He was bursting into tears when he whiffed, kicking and throwing equipment. He wasn’t completely over it in high school. It cost him making varsity and starting soph year. He was still having fits senior year.

The kid had a stroke competing for a D1 position freshman year. What was the mother’s profession who couldn’t read her kid? She was a professor (Dr) of child development at an HA university.

@Go44dad posted:

The guy who started the post was screaming. Thought he might not hear me if I didn't scream back.

I was answering this specific question you posted...

"My question (reworded) was if the dad spending all his money chasing numbers at showcases was the wrong approach what could the dad have done differently that would have served the kid better?"

So sorry, that went straight over my head 🤦‍♂️ Figured it out the second time I read it

I’ll be “THE COMPLETELY MISINTERPRETED YOUR POST GUY”

@PTWood posted:

@ReluctantO'sFan that's the million dollar question. Literally.

I agree that some parents can become too wrapped up in their kids sports career, often overemphasizing the wrong things (metrics, rankings, "who's there watching") instead of the things that really matter (putting in the work, continuous improvement of both skills and your body, discipline, mental toughness). This puts ridiculous pressure on the kid and the "chasing" can and does result in bad mechanics (if you are only hitting for EV or throwing for velocity), injury or burn out. Others, frankly, thrive in those circumstances. However, I think the answer to your question is much more complicated than that. No matter what sport it is, to play it at the highest levels, you HAVE TO LOVE IT. Plus you have to both have some natural ability and an insane work ethic. A huge percentage of your time it's a job. How many people can push through all of the not fun parts (early lifts, press conferences, slumps, stinky roommates, injuries, criticism--both justified and ignorant) to get to the part that they love and perform to their ability? I also think at the highest level you have young men who are putting that pressure on themselves--that comes with the territory. It's quite a lot to ask and it's not easy. So in my mind, when you add the external pressure of college/pro/etc. scouts watching, some guys struggle to really show well.

In my opinion, I think the best approach is to help the boys focus on the things they can control. Work on their game and try not to worry overmuch about the outside noise. Most importantly, let them lead the process. Make sure it's their dream they are chasing, not yours.

I think I have the opposite problem right now.  I was able to not pressure and push my son bec I didn't play baseball growing up.  I learned the game together with him when he played tball.  By the time I learned the game, I also saw the parents at the fence yelling at their 5 yr old sons during games so I resolved not to be like that.

Fast forward to now when my son is a sophomore (2023 grad), he's now complaining a lot as to why I am not like the other dads who aggressively markets their kids on social media, socializes and creates relationships with coaches, buys all the expensive baseball equipments for their son, and who takes their son to a bunch of showcases to maximize their son's exposure.  His travelball program already has kids his age and younger being "recruited" and "committing" to P5 colleges.  He feels that he is just as good, if not better, than half of these kids that are currently being recruited.

On the other hand, I just took him to 1 showcase so far (this past summer), never promoted him on social media, don't talk to other coaches, and makes a point of putting zero pressure on him (always emphasizing that he should play and work hard bec he wants to, not bec I want to).  He's even very unhappy that not only did I not reclass him a year down, but I actually put him a year ahead of his age back in 3rd grade (he should have been in the 2024 class based on his age).

Anyway, I would like to think that all of the above is the reason why he is a good player right now and still loves the game.  I told him that I'll take him to a couple more showcases this coming summer.  His coach tells me that my son is better most of the kids being recruited right now but that he is not a "showcase player".  College coaches and recruiters have to see him play.  Those that are being recruited as freshman and sophomore (and even as 8th grader) are those with eye popping numbers/metrics.  My son has to wait till this coming summer before his Junior year before college coaches/recruiters will even consider watching him play.

Hopefully, this approach of being patient and focusing more on making sure he continue to enjoy to love the game is the right approach.  I have to admit that seeing the recruiting noise around us right now, and hearing my son complain about my approach is making me question and wonder if I would regret this approach in the future.

On a related note, he also plays varsity football.  He didn't get to play much this fall as a sophomore but is slated to be QB2 next year.  He just made the decision to play football again next fall in spite of the advice from a lot of the baseball dads who said he should focus on baseball as he has no intention of college football (nor is he not good enough for that).  He wanted to play football bec he loves the game and loves the team.  I made sure he understands the potential impact of not being able to do fall baseball next year and lose opportunity for additional exposure.  His travel coach is supportive of my son's decision.  He just said that my son just have to work harder to be seen in the summer, and we have to trust that some college coaches/recruiters still really value multisports athlete (as opposed to just giving lip service).

Kids don’t have to be PR’ed by their parents on social media. Let their play on the field do the talking. If you’re playing in front of the right (baseball) people they will notice.

I told my kids when they get to high school and prove they’re talented I’ll buy the expensive equipment. Until then, you want expensive, get a job. My son was out caddying from the time he was twelve.

Parents don’t have to suck up to coaches. The kid needs to get on a team where the coach will market the kid to the right coaches.

@RJM posted:

Kids don’t have to be PR’ed by their parents on social media. Let their play on the field do the talking. If you’re playing in front of the right (baseball) people they will notice.

I told my kids when they get to high school and prove they’re talented I’ll buy the expensive equipment. Until then, you want expensive, get a job. My son was out caddying from the time he was twelve.

Parents don’t have to suck up to coaches. The kid needs to get on a team where the coach will market the kid to the right coaches.

I can't believe the amount of social media posting I see by the dads of the kids being "recruited" as freshman and sophomore.  And these are social media postings that is intended (based on how it's written) to promote their son, not just a proud dad sharing something to his friends.

I did buy my son nice expensive gloves (fielders and catchers) when he got into HS (hoping that it will last all of HS).  But he's still buying 1 year old used BBCOR bats from his friends (when he really wanted a LS Prime bat).  I did buy him a blemished Baum bat for his wood bat tournaments, hoping that the cost is worth it if it means that the wood bat would last for several years.

Parents sucking up to coach - I meant dads schmoozing and sucking up to coaches of other teams (not even the coach for their own team).  They do this esp with the other high level teams hoping that their kids would be picked up by these coaches for a few games to increase their exposure.

@atlnon posted:

His travelball program already has kids his age and younger being "recruited" and "committing" to P5 colleges.  He feels that he is just as good, if not better, than half of these kids that are currently being recruited.

I told him that I'll take him to a couple more showcases this coming summer.  His coach tells me that my son is better most of the kids being recruited right now but that he is not a "showcase player".  College coaches and recruiters have to see him play.

If the numbers aren't there, then "seeing him play" isn't going to get him very far.  My son was watched by a D1 coach at a tournament  the summer after junior year, threw a 1-hitter.  Coach loved him, but his fastball wasn't fast enough for them.

Can you get the travel coach to tell your son this?  He won't listen to you, but he ought to listen to a coach.  If the coach says "don't showcase yet," then don't waste your money, no matter what your son thinks.  I say this as someone who DID spend that money, in hindsight for no result.

We didn't know the first thing about baseball either, one thing I regret about the whole process was not talking more with the travel coach, together with my son, and finding out how things work and what was and wasn't realistic.  They don't have a reason to drill down on that with you, they want you to keep paying them.  But, usually they will if you ask the right questions.

@anotherparent posted:

If the numbers aren't there, then "seeing him play" isn't going to get him very far.  My son was watched by a D1 coach at a tournament  the summer after junior year, threw a 1-hitter.  Coach loved him, but his fastball wasn't fast enough for them.

Can you get the travel coach to tell your son this?  He won't listen to you, but he ought to listen to a coach.  If the coach says "don't showcase yet," then don't waste your money, no matter what your son thinks.  I say this as someone who DID spend that money, in hindsight for no result.

We didn't know the first thing about baseball either, one thing I regret about the whole process was not talking more with the travel coach, together with my son, and finding out how things work and what was and wasn't realistic.  They don't have a reason to drill down on that with you, they want you to keep paying them.  But, usually they will if you ask the right questions.

Yes, his travel coach has been great and talked to my son about this.  That has helped a lot.  My son would probably be more vocal in his complaints if not for his coach.  My son is also smaller than his peers.  I hope his size catches up sooner or later.  If not, then that will also impact his ability to play in the next level a lot.

I think I have much lower (I would say realistic) expectation of his baseball future than he does.  I make a point of not saying this, but I guess it shows in how I am more laid back than the other dads about his "baseball career".  But I have to say that he is full of confidence about his skills (hence the reason why he is frustrated bec he sees himself as much better than the other kids being recruited right now).  I guess it's good for him to be overly confident right now, and continue to enjoy the game.

In writing about this, I realized that what I am most concerned about is that I would regret my current approach and mindset if this results in my son seeing this as not being as optimistic about his baseball future as he is and ends up resenting my effort at "pulling him down to reality".  Maybe I went too much to the other extreme?

Atlnon, I don't see any reason to regret your approach, but your son is quickly heading into a time period where he'll need to get serious about determining what level of baseball he is a fit for and what kind of school he wants to attend (size, geography, curriculum, etc), and begin the process of creating a list of target schools and outreach to college coaches.  He shouldn't expect that the travel coach will do this for him, and it does not happen automatically by playing or showcasing.

@Smitty28 posted:

My point is that lots of players look good against weaker competition or in the batting cage.  Maybe they also have great numbers.  But actually being able to square up a baseball against good pitching is the most important thing, and is arguably the least talked-about topic here and elsewhere on the internet.  It's not something a dad can fix and it's not necessarily about choking or nerves.

I very much agree.  Batted ball exit velocity off a tee can be a wonderful evaluation tool.  HOWEVER, it is only one tool.  A kid can train to have a beautiful EV, but still be pretty bad at the most important thing - hitting - consistently getting the barrel on the baseball.   That is where the hand-eye and talent come in.  One would be hard pressed to find any coach or scout who will express interest in a kid based solely on EV.  Depending on who you talk to, it falls a little or a lot further down on the "hitting hierarchy".   Though it is true that to succeed at the higher levels, players need the whole package of hand eye, barrels, and EV.

I don't want to be that guy toxic parent guy.

So I say nothing out of fear I will be that guy. I say nothing when my son throws a CG 120 pitch gem on Friday and is called upon to close on Sunday. Why? I don't want to be that guy.

I say nothing when my kid throws 90 pitches and then moves over to SS for the second game of DH because I don't want to be that guy.

I say nothing when my kid gets one at bat 1 inning over a weekend where we play 5 games. He's 10 years old and needs to learn how to earn his playing time. Even though he can't develop his game if he never gets a chance to develop. Why? I don't want to be that parent.

I could go on with more and more.

Don't be afraid to be that parent because you don't want to be that parent. That parent that teaches his son to compete. Teaches his player how to grind and enjoy the grind. Teaches his player to advocate for himself. Don't be afraid to ask questions, advocate for your son and educate yourself. Just do it the right way at the right time in the right forum.

For every Toxic parent category I could list and this is a solid list I can equally give a list of Toxic coach as well.