HS ball players are not victims

Great post and I agree.

Lets be honest - occasionally innocent people are victims.  Victims of crime and deceit, and so forth.  Almost no one will escape that if they live long enough.  The issue is whether or not people can be permanent victims.  That is a message we don't want to send.  Any of us can be a temporary victim but there are always things to be thankful for that should alleviate those feelings.

We had these awful crimes here in Cleveland where three young innocent women were held in chains as prisoners for over a decade.  In one sense, they were victims but in another sense, after listening to them after they escaped, they had something in them that said there was something more positive to live for and hence they were not victims.

Victimization is a state of mind.  The coach may be right and he could be wrong.  Citing stats does not prove anything nor will it change anyone's mind.  It will only bring negative karma for those who are feeling cheated in some way. 

Encourage your kids to be thankful to be alive, to be thankful for having great parents, and be thankful the coach even picked them in the first place.  Somehow, if they can find it in themselves to be content with what they have in the present rather than what they don't have, that they can open themselves up to even more blessings in the future.  

jp24,Your post is interesting in terms of timing, for me.

Since the beginning of this month, I have been following a young man on Milb. He is in AAA and during his path to AAA and even last year, he has shown he has done everything needed to be on a MLB field. He can play 2B, 3B and short and is very good defensively at each position.  He can hit for average,(almost .300 last year), has some power, puts the ball in play with very few strikeouts, and he has wonderful speed, having been selected as the best base runner in high A.

His father is a member of this board and has been for many years.  The father has done nothing but post positive things about other threads,  players, parents  and never once posted anything about his son.

His son is, in my view, getting cheated by the business part of MLB/MILB.

After earning managerial praise and words in a previous year that he has nothing more to prove in MILB, the player has seen limited action in 14 AAA games this year with only 26 AB's. I know the young man must be struggling mightily, but I also know that player is in the cages early, late, taking extra infield and doing extra conditioning until he gets a chance.

The Dad is, to me, what Dad's and parents should be in baseball and on this site.  He has to be having some very difficult days knowing what is happening with his son, and knowing he is helpless to make any change or difference. If I had to guess, he is supporting his son almost every day to stay positive, knowing and believing his son is doing more work than ever to prove himself, when the day comes and those in MLB who make out the AAA line up card give him a chance.

Victim is not in the language of the Dad or player. Players at any level do not get better by the parent or player seeing themselves as a victim. Victim creates defeat and dissension.

I respect that Dad and player immensely and am counting the days when I can post for both of them and say "I told you so!"

Infielddad,

I have been following the same young man for years. The one thing I know about him is when his opportunity presents itself, he will be ready, and he will jump all over it! If there is a MLB team looking for an infielder who can play wherever, please take a chance with this young man. They will be glad they did.

Good post, jp24. 

infielddad, thanks for that perspective.  I have a stomach ache thinking about that. I sincerely hope your friend gets his chance. 

Great post JP...IMO, the parents that do that are victimizing their own kid. But that falls right in line with society in general in that parents are coddling their kids and teaching them the "entitlement" movement that has been discussed before.  You were spot on when you said the kids on the team know who and why the coach made the decision he did, not always, bust I would venture that is is correct an overwhelming amount of the time

Thee were a lot of JV players at my sons school that were presented with "opportunities" that normally they would not have gotten.  A few weaker, smaller players took advantage of these opportunities and had a great season and got a lot of play time.  So, enter the parents...a few of the parents realize that with next years incoming, and some returners, plus those (if they can maintain grades) that will play next year, their kids stand a slim to none chance of seeing a 1/4 of the play time next year and they are all okay with that and are very supportive of their kid and the program.  Then there is one parent, who's swears his kid is the "heart of the team" as he put it, who more than likely will not see much time next year.  I really like the kid, but his dad is setting him up for disaster should there not be an unforeseen exodus or catastrophe that presents opportunities like what happened this year.

I have a kid on my roster, and his father think very highly of his son and believes he should be one of the shining stars.  Interesting thing is the players on the roster, my AD, and even other people within the athletic department all see this player for who he is.

Like I tell parents, "You have to worry about 1 kid and that is your son.  I have to worry about 17."

I pretty much say that same thing but still some don't get it.

Now that I'm AD I've had to sit on several talks about playing time.  I always look at the parent and ask them who we need to call in and now tell them they are going to sit on the bench so their kid can play and what is their suggestion to do when another parent comes in wanting their kid to play more in place of their kid.  Amazing how this shuts them up because they don't see it from any other perspective than theirs.  They don't understand, or think ahead, that if we did listen to them and play their child more then another kid has to sit now.  Plus, we would be the ones having the conversation as to why they are now sitting instead of them.  Now that the door has been opened for parents to come in and get more playing time then what do we do when someone wants playing time over their child who just got into the line up.

I used to get really ticked off over this stuff but I finally realized they just don't get it and are only trying to help their child.  That's their job to look out for their kids.  It's our job to look out for the team.  If those two can't co-exist then they need to go their own way.

Coach 2709,

  I approach things in the exact same way in asking a player or a parent, "Tell me who should go to the bench so that your son plays."  You are right, I always get a I don't know response or no response at all.

I had a kid's parents driving me nuts about letting their son play infield. We finally had a meeting and I asked who plays in the infield he should play over. The kid was starting in left. He had a weak arm. In preseason in first and third drills the runner scored on him every time on throws from second. The parents didn't care if I had better options. They wanted their kid to get a shot. They wouldn't accept I gave the kid a chance in preseason practice. I gave the kid a chance the following year ..... to make a different travel team.

On the other hand…..

Many coaches have serious blindspots and prejudices.   My son is mostly sitting, behind a couple of players that he is clearly better than.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.  He is a first year varsity player though, and the coach has a clear preference for his "veterans" over younger guys -- though there are a couple of exceptions.   The starting LF on our team, who is a senior,  (my son is an OF who plays all OF positions well) is a very good fielder but an anemic hitter, batting all of .200, with a .303 OBP and a .200 slg.  The starter CF (until he got hurt) was first team  all league last year as a sophomore, but has had a really terrible season this year, 17Ks in 45 Ab's, BA .220.   My son did start a few games at the beginning of the season, when  some of the returning starters were still playing basketball -- the team went fairly deep, so some other guys got a brief chance.  But the Coach made it clear that as soon as the basketball guys return, playing time would be scarce for my son unless "you show me something really special."  Well the kid put a ton of pressure on himself, rather than relaxing, and just didn't produce the way he usually does.  He's benched as soon as the veterans show up from basketball.  But the veterans never get uncorked for the most part, and we lose and lose and lose for awhile -- though things are turning around lately.   

Point being, the coach had a much quicker hook for the newer guys and gave and is still giving the older guys much more rope to hang themselves.  And mostly the keep doing it.  But they keep getting playing time.

In the middle of this,  the son attends a prospect camp at a strong D1 program and  gets noticed cause he is relaxed and playing like his real self, rather than tight and over-wrought.  May or may not get an offer, but we've had good follow up contact with the school.  Of the guys playing in front of him, only one of them has a real chance at a D1 program, I think.  The senior LF'er definitely won't be playing anywhere next year.   

Coach has done other really screwed up things. When the starting CF went down, he moved the starting SS to the CF -- over the kids strong objections -- moved the starting 2nd baseman over to SS and brought up the JV SS and installed him at 2nd base.  I guess he's looking to next year and beyond, since there are a dearth of middle infielders in our system.   Anyway, the kid he brought up is WAY overmatched at this level. If there were scouting  and if pitchers could regularly hit their spots in HS, he'd be hitless, cause he tries to pull everything and looks ridiculous on outside pitches. 

All this caused quite some unhappiness among players, culminating in a really ugly meeting between player and coach.  Not sure coach will return or not next year. We'll see. Lots of unhappiness 

I haven't said a word to the coach about any of this, by the way.  My advice to my son is just to keep working his buns off and try to make the coach feel embarrassed to be sitting him behind certain guys. 

Bottom line,  yeah coaches have the overall team in mind mostly, but they are just human, and sometimes see through a fog of biases and pre-established expectations and don't give guys a chance. 

Interesting post, sluggerdad. So are you saying this prejudiced coach doesn't put winning first? He made your son an offer: Prove something to me and you'll play. For whatever reasons, the HC didn't see what it sounds like he hoped to see. Do you believe that if your son had been tearing the cover off the ball, he'd have been benched?

You cite others' hitting stats, and say your son is better, no ifs ands or buts. What are his stats? And is it safe to assume he's a sophomore? If he's a junior, and this is his first year on varsity ... that's odd, since the HC clearly plays younger boys, as you say.

Also what's the team's overall record? Were they winning before the basketball players moved over, then started losing?

Last question: What was the meeting with the coach about? His his moves when the CF went down? I'd love to have been a fly on the wall in that meeting.

Call me confused.

JP, great post. God I knew a lot of those parents in sons HS years! Couldn't run fast enough when I saw them coming.

Down the foul line is my friend.

JP24.  

I'm not at all  saying that coach doesn't care about winning. Nor am I exactly saying that he is "prejudiced."  Mainly I'm just saying that  he has more trust in his veterans than in his rookies.  It is much harder for his rookies to break into the line up or stay in the line up than it is for the veterans. It's just very hard to displace a veteran on this team -- even a non-performing one.   I really take it to be an example of confirmation bias -- which is a wide spread human foible. 

My guy admittedly didn't deliver in his few AB's before the basket ball guys came.  Was really pressing.  Put huge pressure on himself and got huge pressure from the coach.   But historically he is quite a hitter, has hit on every team has played for.  This fall on a competitive travel team, playing in competitive tournaments, he hit .475, with a 575  OBP and a 580 SLG. Will be playing for a scout team this summer put together by a NY Yankees professional scout.  So he's no slouch.   But again, breaking into this line up is very hard for rookies.  Staying in the line up is much easier for vets.   Perhaps that's understandable.  Who knows?  But it's pretty frustrating. 

Off to son's HS baseball game, sluggerdad ... but a few quick reactions:

- YOU used the word prejudiced.

- It's only going to get harder to break into lineups in the years ahead.

- What your son or mine does in summer ball is irrelevant. All coaches want to see for themselves.

I'm sure you son's no slouch, but to be honest, your post makes it sound like you believe your son is the victim of a specific coach's philosophy. For your son's sake, I hope you realize he's not.

My guy admittedly didn't deliver in his few AB's before the basket ball guys came.  Was really pressing.Put huge pressure on himself and got huge pressure from the coach.

SluggerDad - Your son will absolutely have to rise above this issue if he has any hope at success beyond HS.

"Beyond-HS-baseball" is very filled with producing under pressure…when the chips are on the line…when the coach doesn't like you…when the upperclassmen (or veterans) have a built-in advantage…when he believes the coach likes another player better than him...when everyone (and I mean everyone) doubts you belong.

A player who cannot rise above that has very little chance of success.  It IS…the way it will be from here forward.

I wish your son the very best in this endeavor.  I hope…that you will not allow him to have any excuses along these lines...or else you will be enabling the failure yourself.

Again, the message to my son -- which he has fully internalized -- is that you have to work so hard that the coach is embarrassed to be sitting you.   He isn't at all making excuses.  He's busting his tail.   You wouldn't believe this kids work ethic.   Off the charts. And he never makes excuses.  But facts are facts.  You can't be deluded.  You have to accept things as they are and bust your chops.  Perhaps you didn't notice that I said to him.  Your job is to make the coach be embarrassed to sit you.   So no, my kid is not moping and making excuses.  But there's no if and's or buts about it,  he's playing behind guys that he is better than.  But you know what he is doing?  Working to get better.  To make it a no doubter that he belongs.  My only point was that some coaches have blinders on.  It's not always the parents who are bling.  Sometimes it's the coaches.  I give him the example of Yan Gomes and Carlos Santana and the Cleveland Indians.  Gomes was picked up as an throw in,  back-up catcher, started out in the minors to perfect his game.  Their other back up got hurt.  Gomes gets called up.  Management keeps sending Santana out there as the everyday catcher, despite the fact that Gomes was superior in many ways.  But eventually it became untenable for them to keep Gomes as back-up.  Now Santana is playing third base and Gomes is the everyday catcher.  That's the mind-set I want him to have and encourage him to have.  Don't let the coach's mis-estimation of your talent be controlling.  When he's wrong -- and this coach is wrong -- set out to prove him wrong. 

Slugger Dad - what's the team's record?  Overall and in conference / league / district / whatever?

Slugger dad:

Two things. 1. You are not the most objective judge of talent in this particular case. 2. If the coach favors veterans over newcomers today, I hope that is the case in a couple of years when your son is the veteran. I bet you hope so, too.

Sluggerdad,

Welcome to the site.  Congrats on having a kid who is such a good player with great work ethic and doesn't make excuses.  This site can prove to be an invaluable tool for you and your son as he navigates a path toward his goal of playing at the next level.  I strongly encourage you to visit frequently and keep an open mind, even when you receive criticism...

... and here's mine -  

You said your message to your son is "you have to work so hard that the coach is embarrassed to be sitting you."  This is absolutely the right message.  However, you came into a thread that is titled "HS players are not victims".  The whole point of this thread was that the worst thing we can do as parents is to allow our kids to think they are victims when the don't get playing time or the raise to varsity, etc.  You then proceeded to state how your son is a victim, in effect, because the coach has blinders on and favors returning veterans.  He doesn't give others a chance (even though you then admitted that your son did get a chance and didn't perform).  Then it was the coach's fault because he put too much pressure on your son.  Can you see that this is exactly what the post was warning parents about?  The fact that your son performed well at a college camp has zero bearing on his standing on the HS team.  The fact that he is talking to a college and others on the HS team playing ahead of him are not has zero bearing on his standing on the HS team.  This is what justbaseball was trying to tell you...  from this point on, he will have to prove himself over and over.  With every new coach, every new season, every position change, every new recruits brought in to take his place, he will have to prove himself all over again.

Also, it is apparent that you keep a close eye on the stats of his teammates and using them in the context of how your son is stacking up.  If he hasn't already, your son will eventually start following your lead, taking the same thought process and thinking he is the victim.  Over the long run, the influence of your actions are louder than your words.

Something else you will find very useful here is to become familiar with the history of some of the regular posters who are providing advice.  For example, justbaseball is one who's words warrant a sharp ear.

Don't let the coach's mis-estimation of your talent be controlling.  When he's wrong -- and this coach is wrong -- set out to prove him wrong. 

These are things I've never said to our sons. Think about what I mean by that. It may not be what you think at first. 

I don't think you really appreciate my main point.  Coaches are not gods.  They make mistakes.  They underestimate kids.  They overestimate kids.  Sometimes parents see things correctly; sometimes they don't.  Sometimes coaches have blinders on.  Sometimes parents do.  It isn't a one way street. If it were as simple as "HS players are not victims" life would be much simpler.  But it is never that simple.   In no sphere of life is it that simple.   

It's a plain fact that some  not insignificant number of HS coaches out there -- I won't try to quantify the number -- don't really belong teaching young men anything.  I could give you a plethora of examples.   Here's just one -- well two.  At our rival school last year the coach was fired in midseason because the players -- the players not the parents -- led a revolt.  The guy was an abusive jerk.  Well known for his abusive jerkiness among baseball people here -- and there are a lot of baseball people here. He runs a prominent travel team -- like many HS coaches here do.  Despite his well  earned reputation for  being an abusive jerk he got the HS job -- at a school with serious baseball ambitions, in an area where competition for  such jobs -- despite the really low pay is intense.  (Cause the travel industry guys all want their hands on those top HS players for their travel teams, cause that's where they make their real dough, here.)   In his second year,  10 seniors went to the AD and gave the AD chapter and verse against the coach.  AD launched an investigation.  Talked to all players, parents, coaches. The coach was let go just as playoffs were approaching.    Second example involves our own program.  I've already alluded to  it, but let me be more specific.   We are a top program.  Great coach for a long time who retired.  We are struggling under the current coach who is only in his second year and is a young guy, with lots of playing experience at a very high level, but no coaching experience, and no  teaching experience.  Players and coaches had an INTENSE meeting as it looked like the season was going to be a total loss. This was a big deal.  AD and Principal were clearly on the verge of making a change.  May still.    Two hour session.  Coach ended up apologizing for lots of his ways, said he would try to be better, admitted being too hard on SEVERAL guys, said it was just his way of trying to motivate them, but that he now saw that he was making them play tight and press too much and taking the fun out of it for them.   He teared up, told them that he loved coaching them and wanted to make them better, but that he had learned something from this experience.   So, look,  by his own admission, he had been in the wrong with lots of players.   A couple of them couldn't forgive him and quit the team.  And the ones who quit weren't just bad seeds. A  senior, headed to big things, leader type, great student, three sport stand-out was one of them.

It did some good because  now the team is playing looser and may salvage some pride out  of this season -- though no championship is within reach this year.  

My point?  Coaches are not gods. Nothing in this young man's history has actually prepared him well to lead and teach teenagers.  Being a great player does not suffice to implant that skill. Nor are all parents fools. And not  every player who feels wronged is wrong to feel that way.    Not everything a coach said should be taken as gospel.  Still they make the line-up cards.  And  you've got to get their attention, even if they are A-holes and/or  incompetent.  

Baseball is a total accountability game -- that's what I teach my son.  But accountability goes two ways, not just one way.

sluggerdad: It's as if the point of this thread is on the mound, and you're two miles away at the local pub. No one ever said, or implied, that coaches are gods. Or that they're infallible. Or that some are not jerks, or whatever.

This thread was never about coaches. It was about parents -- and how they deal with the inevitable adversity HS ball players experience.

So your stories are irrelevant. Can't you see that??

Try this: Even when a ball player is treated unfairly, adopting a victim mentality is not the answer. Nor is it the answer for parents -- but in spite of all your anecdotes, you do in fact seem to see your son as a victim.

You've been asked some specific questions about your "better than others, no ifs and or buts" son a few times, like his stats, and graduating year ... and have not answered. You've been asked the team's record, and not responded. Will you at least please honestly answer this question I posed earlier?

Do you believe that if your son had been tearing the cover off the ball, he'd have been benched?

JP24

I don't see my son as a "victim."  That's a dismissive, simple-minded word. But I do see the  coach as problematic and I do seamy kid riding the bench, while working his tail off. We're mostly just waiting for summer to come around and leave this HS season in the dust.  He had 4 PA  at the beginning of the season in the first two games,  before the basketball guys returned.  Hit a triple, a double, took a walk after a 9 pitch battle, and  struck out once.  Third game the Basketball trio shows up the day after the team got bounced from post-season.   He's benched immediately and remained on the bench for several more games, before an injury happened that gave him another chance. Got back in for 4 more games cause of injuries only.  Then started really pressing --  partly cause of what happened earlier.  That's his over-reaction to pressure, for sure.  I pretty much said that already.   That's not "playing the victim."   Don't know where you get that.  He goes hitless in four games -- though he does get on base through walks and errors.   Then he's benched again and doesn't play a single inning for 14 straight games.  Not one AB.  In the meantime, guys ahead of him are struggling mightily.  He's watching this and working his tail off.  No self-pity, just determination.  

My point to you, which you don't seem to be capable of admitting, is that seeing your situation realistically -- in particular seeing that the coach is not seeing you fairly or not treating you fairly is not the same as adopting a victim attitude.   That seems to be what you are implying.  My problem with your argument, such as it is, is that it is way too simple, by a very long shot.  You seem to think it's always wrong to hold the high school coach to blame, that player and parent should always look inward, and never ever think they have a grievance against the coach.  That does seem to me to imply, I'm afraid, that you simplistically think that coaches -- high school coaches, of all things -- should be regarded as gods of their domains.  I was questioning that, by bringing to bear some real life stories of coaches who don't deserve such deference. 

But really, I don't see any reason to contribute to this discussion further.  You don't seem to be very open-minded or responsive to different points of view.  I get that one shouldn't mope and complain and feel sorry for oneself.  My son gets that too, by the way.  Having a realistic view of the situation -- knowing when it's something you have or haven't done, knowing when it's the coach who "is to blame" to use your words -- isn't the same as adopting a victim attitude.   Not by a long shot. A victim is a person who feels powerless to do anything about his or her situation.  A victim is a person who instead of taking action, passively complains.  

Where did I suggest any of that as a response?  

ok - we're not communicating well online. fair enough.

Do you believe that if your son had been tearing the cover off the ball, he'd have been benched?

" in particular seeing that the coach is not seeing you fairly or not treating you fairly is not the same as adopting a victim attitude."

If it isn't, what is it?

Whatever you want to call it, your son does not become a better player by making the coach a villain in our minds or his.  Rather than blaming the coach for "creating" or "causing" the pressure which led to your son struggling when his opportunity arrived, why not keep a more open mind on the reasons.  Could it be the pressure your son felt be from the comments you have made about the coach and other players just as you have made them here?

CD posted this in immediate response when this thread started and it sure seems to fit the perspectives in your posts Dad:

"Victimization is a state of mind.  The coach may be right and he could be wrong.  Citing stats does not prove anything nor will it change anyone's mind.  It will only bring negative karma for those who are feeling cheated in some way."

That sure seems to fit.

Well Victimization is a state of mind. Never denied that.  But I think you are completely wrong about what sort of state of mind it is.  It's not the state of mind of simply seeing honestly your situation. Plus  I didn't say that the coach was solely responsible for the pressure the kid felt. That's partly due to the kid's  own immaturity and not fully trusting his own talents.   I'm trying to teach him to not let external things affect his game, at all, in that way.  To just be in the moment and trust himself.  But you don't teach that by lying to  yourself.  Again, this coach -- who is himself just a kid really -- apologized to his team -- which he was on the verge of losing -- for his "motivational" tactics.   So take my word, he bears some responsibility. But one does have to learn to perform in spite of that, of course.

I guess where you and I seem disagree is whether honestly facing facts about who your coach is and isn't and what he does and doesn't see is ipso facto  adopting a victims attitude. 

"I'm trying to teach him to not let external things affect his game, at all, in that way.  To just be in the moment and trust himself.  But you don't teach that by lying to  yourself.  Again, this coach -- who is himself just a kid really -- apologized to his team -- which he was on the verge of losing -- for his "motivational" tactics.   So take my word, he bears some responsibility. But one does have to learn to perform in spite of that, of course.

I guess where you and I seem disagree is whether honestly facing facts about who your coach is and isn't and what he does and doesn't see is ipso facto  adopting a victims attitude."

This seems so totally inconsistent. You are trying to teach your son to block out external things but at the same time using external things and blaming the coach and talking about the coach bearing some responsibility as the reasons for all the pressure which caused your son to struggle when his opportunity existed.

In Milb, from the very first day, they preach to players to focus only on what you can control. The player cannot control the line up card, his coaches, in game strategy, what the MILB player director wants, who he wants to see playing, whether coaches are tough, fair or completely arbitrary. Focus on what the player can control: his mental preparation, his early work, getting in the cages, staying late, being in the weight room, handling his off field stuff so it does not impact what he does when he gets to the field, being on time and so many other things.

For your son, what does it matter or change when the umpires says "play ball" if you have him "honestly face what the coach is and isn't?"  In college, since your son wants to play there, he may well have coaches he cannot figure out or honestly face what the coach is or isn't. You are not going to be there to help him and even if you were, if would not matter.

Maybe figuring out who the coach is and isn't is helping you as the parent.  I just cannot see how it helps your son when "play ball" starts but I can see how it could be creating an awful lot of mental confusion and pressure and excuses for not getting the job done when the opportunity existed. I can also see how confusing it would be for a father to be teaching his son to block out external things by including all the external things as the reasons(excuses? for the struggles.

Comparing thinking  "X is an A-hole, but I'm not going to let that get to me."  To just refusing to recognize that "X is an A-hole."     My approach is to acknowledge facts  "X-is an A-hole."   Not to pretend,  "It's all my fault. and X is a good, fair-minded, upfront, completely honest guy."    The first approach has the benefit of both honesty, and acknowledgment of what one can and can't do.  It's not a matter of adopting a victim's attitude.  It's a matter of adopting a realistic attitude about X but still learning to control what you can control.    You don't have to blind yourself to reality to learn to stay within yourself.   You seem to equate not adopt the posture of a victim with blinding yourself to reality, with PRETENDING to yourself that's it's all your doing, that the situation you've been placed in has nothing to do with your struggles or difficulties.    I just disagree.  You can be honest about the situation,  and still learn to control what you can control.  That's not making excuses.  That's just being honest.  The OP seemed to me to make the same mistaken equation that you seem to me to be making.   It seemed to say, in other words, that if you ever assess a situation as unfair, even when  it is objectively unfair,  then you are ipso facto playing the victim.   And frankly, the kids, I think,  know this.  They can recognize fair and unfair.  They can recognize favoritism when they see it.   And if you go around telling them all the time,  "everything is honkey-dorey,  you have only yourself to blame, dude,  don't you dare ever lay anything on the coach.  You will just lose at least half of them.  But if you acknowledge reality, but teach them to focus on what they can control,  you have a much better chance of reaching and teaching them.   IMHO.    

So the team's record is..........?

If everyone on this board started listing everything wrong with their son's coaches and times they felt their son got the short end of the stick this would become the world's longest internet thread. It's a lot easier for your son to ask himself two questions; 1) How can I change this? 2) Since I can't change this, how can I adjust and deal with it? Be careful not to mistake some #1s for #2s. The mentally strongest athletes see #1s at the same time mentally weak athletes are seeing #2s.

You're allowed to help with the answers.

SluggerDad,

I completely disagree with you.  In my view, you are teaching/allowing/empowering excuses and rationalizing. If a team has 20 players, the reasons/excuses for not getting the job done are 20 times how each player and parent rationalizes the reasons/excuses or, as you seem to think is the way to go: measuring  by each player/persons "view" of "reality." Teams and coaches will be hard pressed to  succeed within a "reality" which varies from player to player, from parent to parent and from game to game.

In my opinion, you are focused on paying attention to the chatter, distractions and everything other than the fact the opportunity existed and the job didn't get done.

Where we differ so greatly is I think a player is best served by being "aware" of the mental distractions and refocusing. They don't need to be using mental energy to be  climbing inside the distractions and excuses and using them for all the reasons you have done here.

Let me provide one illustration: in college, our son got on a pretty long consecutive game hitting streak.  When he got into the low 30's, we watched a game where he had 3 hits, but his swing and timing were horrible and none of the hits were barreled.  After the game, his coach really got on him.  The reason the coach got on him was to make him "aware" of the fact the hitting streak had become his focus and he was tight as a drum. He was not playing the game, competing, and staying focused on each pitch, each AB and every situation. His mind was on somehow extending that streak.

Once our son became "aware" of how his mind was playing games with him and taking him away from what needed to be the focus, and that the streak was artificial once "play ball" was called, the game became fun again, the streak continued to the end of the season and he had productive AB's for the balance of the season.

All of your "reality" is just artificial once "play ball" starts.

My point to contrast with yours: having a player be "aware" that the things over which he has no control are taking away from his focus and love of the game is important.

Having a player, especially a HS player, get inside the mental process, as you advocate, to acknowledge the "reality" of all the stuff we as parents bring to the equation, including all of this: "the kids  know fairness and unfairness when they see it, for the most part.  And you can't really pretend with them.  They can also recognize favoritism when they see it.   And if you go around telling them all the time,  "everything is honkey-dorey,  you have only yourself to blame, dude,  don't you dare ever lay anything on the coach" is a losing proposition.

Those are all excuses. Acknowledging the "reality" of any of that is a mental process which makes no sense to be. Being "aware" your mind is wrapped in the process and getting a players mind out of that "rationalizing reality" process works far better, in my opinion.

Clearly, my view is not going to change yours and you are going to continue to make the coach the "villain."  Personally, that seems like so much wasted mental energy to me and  I don't see how that helps your son when he gets another chance.

Infielddad:

I don't really understand your last post.  Maybe you're advocating a zen like detachment from  all external factors. Just don't let anything external intrude at all.  Try not to be sensitive to questions of fairness/unfairness. Think only of the moment you are in and how to respond in the moment.  Is that it?

That's decent enough advice, if that's what you mean.  Hard to achieve such Zen-like indifference.  Stoic detachment is better. (though still hard).   Stoic detachment starts with acknowledgement of the facts, but also clear attention to what is within and what is beyond one's own control.   The discipline is to learn to focus what is within your control.  Not denying realities that are beyond one's control. (but also not blaming yourself for things not of your doing.)

Wonderful!  There's yet another kid in America being raised to believe that their boss is an a-hole and they're not accountable and uniquely special above everyone else on their team.

We've got enough to those types already.  I was hoping there weren't anymore coming into the workplace anytime soon.  

 I am advocating a mental approach which is the same mental approach taught to MILB players at their very first meeting in the organization. I am advocating a mental approach I know that player in AAA I referenced in my first post in this thread is using. Focus on what you can control and eliminate all the issues you cannot. Whether you have been on the bench for 10 games or  went 4-4 or 0-5 the day before, you are 0-0 when you step in the box for the 1st AB of the next game. Whether the coach is an A--hole or great guy makes no difference. Whether the coach apologized for being a harda$$ or chewed the team out royally makes no difference. Most of all, making your "reality" all that is  "wrong"  just does not matter. On the baseball field, especially beyond HS, players are measured by getting the job done or not. They are not measured by the "reality" of excuses of an all-nighter for an exam, a professor who is a jerk, a girl friend who dumped him or anything else.

What matters is when you stepped in the box, did you get quality swings, have a quality AB, and were you totally  focused on the job at hand. No one cares about your "reality" for not getting the job done. No player will last very long in college baseball  if they don't get the job done but found reasons through acknowledging their, and/or, their parent's "reality.

I don't think you're saying anything all that different from what I said about what matters between the lines. But one doesn't live only between the lines.  Of course, you can't let the fact that the coach is an A-hole affect your performance.  But that doesn't mean you can't acknowledge that the coach is an A-hole.  Nothing at all inconsistent or confused or wrong-headed about both acknowledging the facts and trying to control what you can control.