Thoughts on Parenting

Great post, Frank, despite the detours. I have never been able to understand why some parents feel that this is an either/or kind of game as it relates to their kids. I learned that lesson well when my son was about 11 years old and I was grousing a bit about playing time, etc... He looked straight at me and said, 'Mom, I play where coach puts me'.

One of the wisest things I have ever heard, and I've never forgotten it.

PiC - If you think the above is bragging about my son, I'm cool with that. I AM very proud of the lesson he taught his Mom 9 years ago.

BTW, are you sure you're from Marin??? Most folks I know over there (even the baseball parents) are much more laid back...

UKMB - Your story about your son reminded me of one about mine.

He had this all star coach for a few years (age 8/9/10 or so). I didn't really like him...thought he was too overbearing and besides, he didn't play my son a whole lot. Finally one day my son looked at me at about age 11 and said (more or less), "Dad, I don't know what your problem is with Coach X, I've played for him and I like him a lot." Stopped me dead in my tracks. He was right, I was wrong.

That coach is the father of one of his now-college teammates and a great friend of our family...we've even coached together for the past 2 years with my younger one. He's a great guy and a great coach. I'll never forget the lesson my son taught me back then...it was about HIM, not ME!

Blue,
You'd better get rid of that Cal avatar. Someone may think you may be "selling" the idea that your son plays baseball there.
Sorry, my sense of humor is finally returning after my long Atlanta ordeal!

posted by crawdad
Originally posted by Coach May:
Oh yes it made sense alot of sense. Great Post. I know people that dislike me today because of the sucess of my sons. There are people out there that are so worried about what other people are doing that they can not do anything themselves. When my son was 12 he wanted to play in the local league during the week and his AAU team on the weekends. He wanted to do this because the kids he went to school with heard he was pretty good and they wanted him to play with them. Also some of the kids were ragging him about the fact he didnt play with them in the league telling him he was scared and all that stuff. Well after about three games he was intentionally walked every ab. It did not matter what the score was the other coach would just walk him. When he pitched the parents from the other team would complain that he was going to hurt someone if he hit them and they should take him out of the game. I mean they would yell it from the stands. You would not believe the stuff these parents would yell out. Also they would laugh when he got up and say "No need for you to take a bat up there we aint letting you hit superstar". My son is a very confident but humble kid. It wasnt like he was some cocky kid. And the umpires would make him throw it right down the heart before they would call a strike. The other kids had the anywhere around the plate is a strike zone. One of my friends asked the umpires why they squeezed Jeff and they said "Man we have to give the kids a chance the only way they can get on is to walk". Well after about five or six games of this Jeff decided that he didnt want anymore of this. I supported him in his decision. At the end of the year we got a call from the league commissioner. He asked me if Jeff could play on their All Star team. I guess you know what my answer was. To this day their are parents of kids that played in that league that despise me. I have never understood this type of behavior. I have seen it at the HS level with kids that I have coached that were outstanding. I had a kid a couple of years ago drafted in the second round. His dad sat by himself because the other parents were so jealous of his son that they constantly called his son the coaches pet etc. Its really sad. Most parents are great and I mean that. But these types are the worst.

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My son went through this as he was coming up through LL and Senior League, except I encouraged my son to use the season to practice for the All-Star Tournaments. We spent a lot of time dealing with baseball politics and helping him to understand how to deal with it. We have watched as some players get destroyed by this tremendously destructive attitude by coaches and parents against real good players, and in the end it destroys many of the potentially great players, completely.

It served to demotivate and discourage my son alot.

And even though he would get really down, and sometimes just go out there, and I could tell that his heart was not in it on some days, and I would talk to him and encourage him all I could.

But after going through this for a while I could see that his enthusiasm for the game started to wane. It just so happened that is when I put him with Babe Ruth League Baseball. There he was respected and allowed to play and relax. He flourished and developed into a pretty decent player.

Sooner or later he figured things out for himself, that in the environment where he played, that maybe it wasn't best to show that he had better skills than other players. He decided that maybe it's better to just "fit" in. That "attitude" had been the biggest battle with him until he got away from that kind of thinking and those coaches and players.

Now he has learned to modulate his effort and his performance to an expectation level based upon the circumstances of the playing situation. In short he plays to the level of competition he's against. He seems to deal with the outcome better and has come to terms with what went on when he was just a young boy.

Now he is his own person and plays to satisfy his own idea of what is an acceptable performance. What others expect or don't expect of him doesn't enter into it. He knows his job and his skill level and goes out there on the mound with great confidence.

I'm glad he survived the ugliness of those early years because we really enjoy watching him pitch now.

URKillingMeBlue said:
PiC - If you think the above is bragging about my son, I'm cool with that. I AM very proud of the lesson he taught his Mom 9 years ago.

BTW, are you sure you're from Marin??? Most folks I know over there (even the baseball parents) are much more laid back

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Actually this thread started as an adjunct to the "Perfect Parent" thread.

My post was about means and methods of supporting your son's endeavors. As it is my contention that HS coaches and local school districts just don't have the budgets to do it right.

As a result of my advocacy for my son TPM went bananas and dressed me down for having the temerity to "promote" my son with a profile link.

Quite frankly, it's none of my business what someone else does with their son...nor do I care if they want to link a web page about their son's exploits in baseball. I enjoy reading about players who are having great success in their careers.

I use to trade baseball cards, and would spend hours reading about their stats. Now you can't find anyone who even cares about BB cards.

As a conservative living in Marin I find the atmosphere rather tense. Most of the time my blood boils as I watch and listen to the results of how the idiocy of liberal politics
continues to destroy the State Of California and Marin County.

FrankF: your post made a lot of sense to me and well stated.
Coach May: That just breaks my heart because my son has experienced some of the same.
With that said, I've found that there are some supportive folks, too. It's difficult sometimes because the negative mean people seem to be louder and are sometimes hard to ignore when they say hurtful things. I think that stuff bothers my husband and myself more than our son.
Funny thing is last year we had a kid on my son's High school team who went high in the pro draft and is so very gifted. This young man is truly a joy to watch on the field. This kid made some plays that were poetry in motion. We actually had a parent come up to us and say,"What's so great about that kid?" I was like,"Um, he's bringing it around 94mph." They were so blind that they really didn't see the difference between 94mph and 76mph. They couldn't understand why all those pro scouts were there gunning the kid. All those parents quit complaining so loud when the team won state and this young man pitched the crucial game for the win. The kid is a real player and my son was honored to play with the kid.
We're friends with the boy's family and they have been through it. They have been through some awful situations and their whole family has been maligned and misunderstood often and even experienced vandalism. But through it all they supported and believed and loved their son. Last summer the kid played Rookie ball and it looks like he's moving forward and doing well. I'm so happy that his dreams are coming true because it gives me hope that my son's dreams can come true, too.
So we've been lucky because there were people before us going through experiences that they could share with us.
Which it brings me back full circle to what HSBBW is about for myself personally. Often I have read posts that have helped our family tremendously throughout the process. I have learned so much from you trailblazers before us. I appreciate and am grateful to the people who take the time to share their experience on this website.
Although I do not know too many of the posters kids personally, I love to read about their accomplishments and success. It makes me smile.

lhp mom, I can relate completely to what you are saying. I know there's alot of jealousy in any sport including baseball. My son has a teammate that will be drafted high and probably be Mr. Baseball in our state. I have had several people come up to me and say "he doesn't look all that impressive to me", "what's the big deal about him". Just like you, I say "93-94 mph". The kid is a great kid and obviously has a great future ahead of him. I truly do not understand when other baseball folks can't share in the joy of their son's teammates, other kids they know, or the sons of posters on the HSBBW. I love baseball and am genuinely happy for every kid that succeeds and enjoys the game at every level.

By enjoying and celebrating other people's success doesn't lessen your son's accomplishments. It lets him join the party and learn that life isn't always about "you". Sometimes, parents forget this lesson.

As my son was making his way through the rec-select jungle of youth baseball, I found that the leagues with the boys who had the most to learn about baseball came with the most vocal and vindictive parents.

For several years, he played both rec ball with friends and select ball for the challenge. In rec ball, he heard catcalls like "showboater" or "just lucky" after making a good play. One game when he was pitching, a parent spent the entire game calling out to their hitters, "he's nothing but garbage"
On the other hand in select ball, he had more parents come up after the game to congratulate him or give encouragement to keep playing.

Perhaps the knowledge base of the fan/parent truly does improve the attitude. I appreciate those people who are as quick to applaud a good play on the opposite side of the field as one made by their own team. If more parents would take that approach, it would make watching the GAME fun instead of an internal contest of my kid is better than yours.

I love seeing a great play. It doesn't matter to me if it is my son, a teammate or a player from the opposing team. If I see a great play, I appauld it.

What gives me even more satisfaction is to see my son congratulate a player for a great play. I have seen him tip his hat to a hitter after launching one of his pitches and I have seen him pat a kid on the back at 1B after laying down a perfect bunt. Don't get me wrong, he is very competitive, but he respects the game. I wish that more parents did.

bluesky,

So very, very true. You have struck a cord with me. When I a see a player on the other side (or our side for that matter) make plays, I usually walk over to the other side of the field and congratulate them after the game. Also, when I see a great play, I will usually shout "Nice Play" or something to that effect. This type of encouragement is invaluable IMHO.

I once had an opposing coach walk over and give my son a gameball from his team when at the same time the coach/parent on our team didn't even acknowledge my son played a great game.

In another game we won 14 to 5 - the same parent gave a gameball to the pitcher who gave up five runs in five innings. Nothing against the pitcher in that particular game, but my son had hit a grandslam, drove in nine runs, and made two double plays in the field. He could have at least passed out two game balls. I am sure many can tell these type of stories until they are blue (no pun intended) in the face. I have always hated the politics or sometimes the pettiness involved.

Frank -Great Post. My thoughts as a "newbie" here (not that it's worth anymore than everyone elses $0.02). I love to hear about the kids. I love baseball and love to see the kids do well. Yes, my kids are young (The oldest is just 11). He breathes baseball and gets excited when he hears about boys on this site. It gives him something to work for, and yes to strive to be like. Hey, if they can do it, with hard work he can be one of them too. He's willing to work for it (For now, who knows years from now.)But like it was stated, as a parent I will support him and help him in whatever way possible. I will be there for ups and downs. Of course I like to brag on him, but not at the expense of someone else's child. Remember, someone threw that hanging fastball. Anyhow, keep up the great work. Brag away and keep us excited and hopeful.

Coach May,

My son played 1 year of coach pitch rec league and that was enough for me. We have played AAU since age 8 and haven't looked back. He (and your son) has definitely not missed out on anything.

Jodi

Great post. Welcome to the site. Your boy is no different than the boys talked about here from time to time. They love the game just like yours does and started just like yours did. Again, welcome.

Redbird I totally agree they have not missed a thing and neither have we.