college freshman difficulties

Hi Jerry, welcome! I just sent you a PM (private message--see "personal zone" under "Go" tab).

I think it's fairly normal to go through some of what he is experiencing. He has gone from living at home to being on his own, responsible for his own meals, laundry, etc, a heavy academic load, and he has been thrown into a group of 30 or so guys that he may not initially like in the least. D1 baseball/school is much harder than most people think it is. And I'm sure he's not the coach's first player to have gone through this. I think it would be good for him to talk to the coach and express what he's feeling and I'll bet the coach will help him see it through. I'm guessing the coach has a lot invested in him and wants to see him succeed. I think it's very important to keep the lines of communication open.

As far as baseball goes, he shouldn't make any rash decisions without knowing the impact of his decisions with regard to future eligibility to play.

While it might seem like more of a parenting question, we're all parents too and I'm sure you'll get plenty of supportive feedback on all aspects of the situation.

This will all work out for the best somehow and your son will learn several life lessons in the process. Good luck and keep us posted.

Jerry,
Welcome to the site. I sent you a PM as well.

Fusilli Jerry,

Love the screen name and welcome to HSBBWeb.

Congrats on your son's accomplishment to go to an academically rigorous school and play baseball. From what you describe, I think your son is missing more of the social side of college, and that he hasn't adjusted to a routine with school work and baseball. Your son has probably learned there is very little social time at an academically rigrorous school and playing college baseball. He is questioning his decision, and commitment. That is fairly common especially when a coach is on his b-u-t-t 24x7x365. He probably hasn't experienced that level of "inspection" from a coach before. He will get through it, and grow from it.

As a parent, I suggest you read "Don't Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money" by Helen Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller. It deals with the separation and anxiety of college students and parents. What I got out of the book is that students adjust to college at different rates, and vent adjustment frustrations in different ways. Let him vent, but also let him solve his problem on his own.

Please feel free to PM me. I have a junior engineering major (pitcher) at an academically rigorous school also. It was a difficult adjustment at first for us too, but we've got thorugh it. Good luck.

Hi FJ,

I believe the hardest part of parenting is knowing when to let things work out on their own. I've stepped in on something that I should have let my son figure out and only realized that on hind sight. I think this is one of those situations for your family. Your son has set a very difficult course and NOW is the time for him to dig in and weather the storm, stay the course he has set and give it his best shot. As a parent I would keep encouraging him, support him as best you can, and don't let his current attitude make any final decisions until the year has passed.

For the sake of other people that read through these posts I was wondering what you "thought" you knew about the coach and is his current behavior a real surprise? How much time did your son spend with the coach and his staff and watching their workouts during fall and springtime before making his decision? Did he make his decision more on the academic side and hope the baseball would work out?

My suggetion to you is to be a great parent and guide your son through this difficult time the best you can. I know it is tough, because I am close to others who have been through this.

I would suggest sitting with him face to face during the upcoming holidays to discuss his situation and come up with a plan to move forward.

His university needs to be a good fit for him, and the reality is that it may not be.

Lastly, I would hate for him to make a rash decision that he would regret later.

Best of luck and keep fighting through it,

Lefy...

quote:

Originally posted by AL MA 08:
Hi FJ,

I believe the hardest part of parenting is knowing when to let things work out on their own. I've stepped in on something that I should have let my son figure out and only realized that on hind sight. I think this is one of those situations for your family. Your son has set a very difficult course and NOW is the time for him to dig in and weather the storm, stay the course he has set and give it his best shot. As a parent I would keep encouraging him, support him as best you can, and don't let his current attitude make any final decisions until the year has passed.

For the sake of other people that read through these posts I was wondering what you "thought" you knew about the coach and is his current behavior a real surprise? How much time did your son spend with the coach and his staff and watching their workouts during fall and springtime before making his decision? Did he make his decision more on the academic side and hope the baseball would work out?

For my son he spent quite a bit of time on campus and with the coach. One of the last conversations he had with the coach before he had made his decision, the coach made it clear. He said "you probably think I am a great guy. But understand I am recruiting you and that is my job to make you like the school and the program. If you come here I will not be that guy. We want to win and I can be very hard on my players. I just wanted you to know what to expect."

My son chose the school for the academics and baseball. Having an opportunity to earn a spot on the baseball team was required. But at the same time he wanted very good academics. He was very lucky he had plenty of options that supplied both.

quote:

BishopLeftiesDad said...One of the last conversations he had with the coach before he had made his decision, the coach made it clear. He said "you probably think I am a great guy. But understand I am recruiting you and that is my job to make you like the school and the program. If you come here I will not be that guy. We want to win and I can be very hard on my players. I just wanted you to know what to expect."

That is what I call a straight-shooter. BLD - I really like your son's coach!

quote:

Originally posted by AL MA 08:
For the sake of other people that read through these posts I was wondering what you "thought" you knew about the coach and is his current behavior a real surprise? How much time did your son spend with the coach and his staff and watching their workouts during fall and springtime before making his decision? Did he make his decision more on the academic side and hope the baseball would work out?

Thanks everyone for responses so far.

Specifically about his coach: To my eyes he seemed like he was very demanding but fair and I bellieve my son had the same take, although he was a little scared of him, to tell you the truth. Now that he's there, however, he's taking exception that he appears to be this freshman class's whipping boy. He can't figure out if this is just a ritual (some of the other players say that they've been that guy in the past), if there is something about my son (attitude? fitness level? effort?) that requires the coach to bear down on him, or whether he has high hopes and expectations for my son and this is his technique for extracting it. Whatever the reason, my son believes that because he doesn't treat the other freshmen that way that it is unwarranted and counter productive.

He spent quite a bit of time meeting with the coaches during the recruiting process, visiting practices and games, etc. so I think he went in with his eyes wide open.

In terms of his priorities in choosing the school, I really must say that he gave academics and baseball equal footing. Of course, as a high-schooler I don't think he really had a complete understanding regarding the Ivy workload or the requirements of DI athletics.

By the way, from all indications it appears that my son is more than holding his own in terms of his performance between the white lines.

quote:

Originally posted by Fusilli Jerry:
By the way, from all indications it appears that my son is more than holding his own in terms of his performance between the white lines.

It may be that the coach see's things in him and is trying to get the most out of his talents. So he may be harsh.

FJ - Welcome to HSBBW. Its a good 1st post.... a timely topic for parents of freshman, but also for our 2013s thinking about next year,

I hear your concerns. And you are getting great advice. I was about to say what BLD just posted --- maybe Coach is driving your kid harder because he sees the potential.

Just to be a mom/ college counselor here, I would "listen listen listen" very carefully to your son. Sure, it is probably all normal adjustment, but it might be more than that so keep your radar up.

And, once fall ball winds down, he will have a chance to be a 'regular' student and make some more friends, but I suspect the academic pressures will really start to cook up at that point, with mid terms/paperes/ finals etc. and it might feel worse before it feels better.

It is hard for parents to give advice to their college freshman, but you might tell him he doesn't have to just grin and bear it; he CAN talk to someone. And rather than take his concerns to the coach (I am guessing your son might be reluctant to do that!) perhaps he should take his social and academic concerns to a freshman advisor. These are all fairly normal adjustment issues, but if baseball helped him get in, and he is maybe feeling over his head in the classroom a bit, he could benefit from the support and advice of the pros on campus.

There are many students (not just recruited athletes, either) on every Ivy/high end academic college campus who are overwhelmed, but afraid to show it. I have heard so many kids say "I honestly walked around all of freshman year saying I don't belong here, everyone is smarter than me, I can't cut it." But most make it through.

In terms of making friends, that might be tougher during fall ball ---I am sure he is too busy to do much more than school and baseball. Can he join an activity? Do a service project or do something with campus ministry if he is so inclined?


Keep talking to us, we would love to know how things develop.

Great and timely topic. Thinking back to my own college experience, I had a hard time adjusting and I wasn't an athlete but I did leave a boyfriend at home and now I can see that was the root of my homesickness. I hope like heck my kids don't get involved beyond casually in high school because it complicates things.
I would really try to ferret out how much of this is school or baseball versus missing his girlfriend. If it's his girl friend I think some serious counseling from you is in order. He could be ruining a great experience pining away for someone.

That said, I will tell you I saw my son for the first time in two months recently and came home sad for him. He is very happy, his team mates are more like brothers which is probably why he can deal with a schedule that starts at 5:00 am and often ends at study hall at 10:00 without time for meals some days. I have never seen the kid so incredibly tired. He doesn't complain but it was hard on me to see it when I remember college as the time of my life and his experience is really totally about work and commitment and more work.

I would ask about the team....if he isn't bonding with the guys he spends so much time with, perhaps the school wasn't the right fit? If the coach is getting him down, maybe he really isn't someone who wants to add the 30 hours of baseball into an incredibly academic school? Good advice on talking it through during the holidays when the heat is off.

Oh man, I feel bad for you and your son. Tough situation.

I remember this topic coming up last fall. What I remember is that there was no one answer.

You've come to a great place for advice.

I once asked my father a similar question about one of my kids who was struggling. He gave me a three word answer. "Be a lighthouse." It wasn't the advice I was expecting. I found out that it was pretty good advice.

Coaches do not spend time or effort on players that they do not believe can help their program. I know as a coach I have always been tough on players that I saw potential in and I wanted to push them for a number of reasons. I wanted to see if they were mentally tough. I wanted to create mental toughness. I wanted to get them to understand what it was going to take. I wanted to get the best out of them and I felt I was going to have to push to get it out. If this coach is all over your son and he is indeed holding his own between the white lines then imo that is a good sign as far as the baseball goes.

Your son is missing his girlfriend. He needs to get over that if he is going to survive. He had to know that when he left for school and baseball he was going to be away from his girlfriend. School is tough. Yes it is. Especially when your having to spend a lot of time on your sport as well. He had to know that when he left home if not he does now so deal with it. The coach is all over him. Coaches don't spend time all over players they don't think can help them. Embrace the attention. Be glad he cares enough to spend his time all over you. Your holding your own between the white lines. Good, you now know that you can come in and compete as a freshman with players much older, experienced, stronger etc than you are.

Make a decision and make it now. I am going to grind this thing out and do what I have to do to do this. Or quit. The problem is with that second choice is its just too easy to get used to that second option. Good luck to your son. He is in a man's world now. He either has to become a man real quick or suffer the consequences of not.

All good advice.

When I look at the freshman retention rates at the Ivies, the numbers are high. 93 percent and up at the Ivies I just checked. So one piece of good news is that your son is surrounded by kids who are going to tough it out.

If your son has always excelled at school and baseball, it can be very disconcerting to be in an environment where it is so difficult to feel excellent. Lots of high performers are perfectionists, which results in self induced pressure.

Hopefully things will look up for him soon.

Hang in there! It takes the kids time to adjust and it will get better given time. You've gotten great advice and I can only add my perspective looking back from the end of the journey.

Speaking as a parent whose son graduated last May (but still playing in college), this is the time of their lives. My son and his teammates all say how great their college baseball experience was. When the alumni come back for the annual alumni game it's interesting to hear how much they miss college and playing baseball.

It is a huge adjustment, fall ball is hard, early morning work-outs are hard, academics are probably more difficult than anything they've ever done, and they are constantly tired and not eating the same way they did at home. But if they hang in there the reward will be greater than they can imagine.

There was this kid I coached once who had tons of talent but was weak mentally and liked to complain that the coaches didn't like him because they were always getting onto him. My buddy I coached with and myself were talking to him one day and my buddy said; "don't get upset when coaches get onto you because that shows we care and trying to get the most out of you. But you need to worry when we stop getting onto you because that means we've given up on you and won't try to get the best out of you."

I thought that was some great advice and goes to show that just because a coach is tough on you it's not the end of the world. There are tougher things in life than getting yelled at while in a sport.

Tell your son everyone goes through this and it's not anything unique to him. He can either grind through it and accomplish something amazing or he can be just like thousands every year who just aren't tough enough to make it and quit. Then it gets easier to quit from there on out.

Maybe the coach sees talent but not toughness and is riding him to make him tougher. Your son should accept this challenge and show the coach that he can be tough. "Make up" is a big deal in the baseball world and all coaches are looking for it in talented players. It could be time for your son's make up to show up.

Good luck.

My older son's friend was a very, very talented player who went to a JUCO 5 hours away from home a few years ago. He had a girlfriend and friends that he missed. He lasted there about 2 weeks and begged to come home. His mom was very concerned about his mental health. I'm not sure what all was part of the decision to let him come home (not my business to know) but I do know that the parents were very concerned and didn't know what else to do. He has admitted now that he regrets not sticking it out, but at the time...well...it just seemed like the right thing to do.

I don't mean to put a "scary" spin on this discussion,and I'll probably get slammed by some of you for this, but as a health professional, I do believe that the state of a student/athlete's mental health should also be considered. The consequences can be devastating.

I get the whole "the coach is testing out his mental toughness" and my husband has even told our sons that if the coach ISN'T yelling at you, he may not care enough to get the best out of you. It's a really tough balance. The advice to listen, listen, listen is good and I would also encourage him to speak to a counselor. It's OK to admit that this is tough and even overwhelming. There is NOTHING wrong with getting help!

I don't want to alarm anyone and it's very likely the coach is trying to get the best out of the player.

However, there are two reasons a coach gets extra tough with one individual player.

1. He's trying to get the most out of the player.

2. He's trying to get rid of the player.

Worse than being singled out is being totally ignored.

Over the course of the year, it should become obvious.

Just surfing today and coming back to an old haunt. I never post here anymore, but yours is an important topic.

My son attended and graduated from Dartmouth. I can tell you that every young man in my son's class was tempted to quit or transfer for reasons very similar to those that you list, including temperament of the coach. (Who transfers OUT of Dartmouth, or Princeton, or Penn, etc...)

I won't get into coach bashing. At least 1 player in my son's class quit the team (but ultimately stayed at Dartmouth) due to issues with his head coach.

My son learned to accept the vagaries of working with this coach. More importantly, the best friends he made at college were members of the baseball team and his fraternity. His Dartmouth degree opened career opportunities that may not otherwise have been available (a funny story about that). And his work at Dartmouth helped prepare him for law school.

I would recommend that together, you & your son look very carefully at the consequences of transferring away from an Ivy League school. My view was that if my son never played another inning of baseball after entering Dartmouth, baseball had already delivered more to him than we could ever have hoped for - a ticket into Dartmouth.

quote:

Fusilli Jerry

Hello and welcome to the forum.

Do you have a friend named Cosmo?

I believe you have received some very sound advice as is typical of this site.

Keep in mind that not all programs are the same, and one coach who is riding the player may be doing it for completely different reasons than what others might do it for. As PG astutely pointed out, the two typical reasons are to push for improvement, or to push out the door. Either way, you son will know where he stands if either of those are the case.

I was speaking to one of my sons coaches who loves to tell stories, and he said their closer who broke the school saves record was almost dumped after the fall season of his freshman year. The reason was that the pitching coach gave them a winter workout program, but when this kid came back after Christmas break, he was obviously out of shape, and not sharp in the pen sessions. This coach was supposedly a hard a$$ type of guy and told the head coach he wanted him out of the program since he did not take it seriously. The HC decided to give the kid another chance, but the PC was riding him like no tomorrow. In the end the kid turned out to be a gem, but based on an early slip up, he was in the dog house.
So certainly let your son know that things can turn around so long as he works hard, keeps his nose clean, and follows the coaches direction at every opportunity.

Also I agree with most here who point out that separation anxiety and the freshman blues is a transition he will need to cope with and get over. If he doesn't do it now, it will only serve as a problem in the coming years.

quote:

It's OK to admit that this is tough and even overwhelming. There is NOTHING wrong with getting help!

Absolutely!!

Fusilli,

As the parent of a Freshman, I feel for you and your son. Reading your post a couple of times, it sounds like his situation is shared by many, probably most, Freshman--namely that it is HARD, It may be that not any one thing is too much, but that everything together sometimes just feels like too much. The challenge is figuring out what is best to tough out and grow from, and what is truly too much or just not a good fit.

Since you are posting on this baseball board, it seems that may feel like the biggest issue to him right now. PGStaff's comment expertly and succinctly analyzes the possibilities. To me, if he is performing well already, a coach riding him is most likely a very good sign. That, however, doesn't seem to be his issue. What matters is that the coach, together with all the other things he has going on, feels like too much. He is unhappy.

He is obviously a high-achieving kid. No matter how talented he is, my guess is also pretty driven and maybe even a little hooked on doing well at everything. Do you think he can give himself permission to not be a wonderkid for a while? Forget about what he is achieving and just go to practice for himself and the fact that he likes baseball? Lock-in with his teammates and just consider it the coach's problem until things settle in over the next few months?

The comment that he is not making friends should probably be the biggest worry. He needs to be happy with himself. He's got plenty of pressure on him, I'd spend the time helping him see that he does not need to internalize it--that a coach yelling doesn't have to be his problem, that a B (or worse) on a test is okay, and that missing his GF is not wrong, it just makes him human.

Being thrust into the real world for the first time away from home and attending an Ivy league school on top of that with athletics HAS to be extremely stressful and overwhelming. Toss in that he's away from friends and family and it can add to his grief. I'd venture to say that because of these things he's most likely not eating right and sleeping well. He's battling a lot right now and fortunately this is something that most universities are equipped to handle with new incoming freshmen.

I urge you to please enourage your son to make an appointment with a counselor there at school so he can share these feelings in confidence and where someone will help him along the way. College freshman depression is a real and serious epidemic nationwide. This isn't mean to alarm you or any new Parent of a freshman son/daughter but more of an educational fact. Google it if you aren't certain. It can and does happen to the kids from the best homes and loving parents.

Just be cognizant of the things your son says to you. Listen closely and allow him to talk freely.

I wish you and your son the very best this fall, and year.

YGD

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I am really grateful for your insight, advice and good wishes.

I want to thank those of you who have explicitly brought up the aspect of mental health and counseling. While I do not think it is something to worry about regarding my son's situation, I am well aware that it is something every parent needs to keep in mind when dealing with children in stressful situations.

Thank again, everyone.

Everyone has posted really good advice here. I'd like to add one more thought...I read an article somewhere (can't remember where!!!) that kids who work so hard in high school to achieve their "dream" (e.g. admission to an Ivy, in your son's case, the bonus dream of playing baseball too!) are often let down a bit when they actually get to school. These kids have pushed their intellects and bodies to the breaking point to attain the highest honors in and out of the classroom, using the "dream school" as their motivation to push through. When they actually achieve the dream, it may be disappointingly flawed, not the nirvana they may have imagined. Not sure how often this happens, but your post reminded me of the article. As another poster mentioned, the Ivies have an incredible student retention rate, so even if this happens, I'm guessing that most kids adjust and learn to love their experience.

There has been so much support expressed on this board (both public and by PM) that I am overwhelmed. I thought I would provide an update, since so many of you asked that I keep everybody aware of my son's situation.

Midterms have passed and the marks my son has received show that he belongs academically. He is relieved and, though he tries to supress it when he talks to his mother and me, he is very, very proud. He has a long way to go obviously given that he is less than 3 months into his college experience, but there is nothing like a little positive reinforcement and confirmation to help you along the way.

Although he hasn't expressed as much, I believe he is coming to the realization that his girlfriend isn't off entertaining her school's football team. This has eased his mind and I'm sure he feels more secure regarding his relationship.

In terms of baseball, I think he is seeing the physical rewards of his workouts and the hard-a** approach of his coach. I bet that his coach recognizes that he is among the most stubborn examples of human life anyone has encountered.

In terms of making friends and the social aspect, I think it is more complicated and less resolved. He really likes his teammates and fellow freshmen. He is not sure any of them will turn into best buds, but he is okay with that. Outside of the team, it's a little sparse, but I guess that is to be expected, given how much time is devoted to the team. He is off by himself often, but he is now accepting that that time is a benefit in such a tough academic setting and he is using a lot of that time to study.

Thanks for all your best wishes and your advice.

quote:

Originally posted by Fusilli Jerry:
There has been so much support expressed on this board (both public and by PM) that I am overwhelmed. I thought I would provide an update, since so many of you asked that I keep everybody aware of my son's situation.

Midterms have passed and the marks my son has received show that he belongs academically. He is relieved and, though he tries to supress it when he talks to his mother and me, he is very, very proud. He has a long way to go obviously given that he is less than 3 months into his college experience, but there is nothing like a little positive reinforcement and confirmation to help you along the way.

Although he hasn't expressed as much, I believe he is coming to the realization that his girlfriend isn't off entertaining her school's football team. This has eased his mind and I'm sure he feels more secure regarding his relationship.

In terms of baseball, I think he is seeing the physical rewards of his workouts and the hard-a** approach of his coach. I bet that his coach recognizes that he is among the most stubborn examples of human life anyone has encountered.

In terms of making friends and the social aspect, I think it is more complicated and less resolved. He really likes his teammates and fellow freshmen. He is not sure any of them will turn into best buds, but he is okay with that. Outside of the team, it's a little sparse, but I guess that is to be expected, given how much time is devoted to the team. He is off by himself often, but he is now accepting that that time is a benefit in such a tough academic setting and he is using a lot of that time to study.

Thanks for all your best wishes and your advice.

Thank you so much for the update! I hadn't seen this thread before, and when I saw it began several weeks ago I hoped the most recent post would be your update.

I read it with great interest as our 2013 is choosing his school and we keep reminding ourselves how important the total fit is in the process. It sounds like your son is finding his way and it's likely that by the time spring rolls around he will be very comfortable, confident, and ready.

Thanks for sharing and let us know how winter and spring go!

quote:

I bet that his coach recognizes that he is among the most stubborn examples of human life anyone has encountered.

LOL, I thought you were describing my kid. ;-)

FJ,

Glad to hear things are smoothing out a little bit, and he is adjusting to his college life. It is a huge adjustment, and it appears he is gaining more confidence. Thanks for the update, and best of luck when the baseball season starts. Hopefully, we can get together in the Spring.

"I believe he is coming to the realization that his girlfriend isn't off entertaining her school's football team."

I got a laugh out of that one!

But seriously FJ, it sounds like he is adjusting well, has a good head on his shoulders, and I'm sure you're a little less stressed as well. Continued Best Wishes!

quote:

Originally posted by fenwaysouth:

quote:

I bet that his coach recognizes that he is among the most stubborn examples of human life anyone has encountered.

LOL, I thought you were describing my kid. ;-)

I thought that he was describing mine!

these socalled freshman difficulties are a direct result of todays kids being coddled


not to mention that every time there is a socalled problem with akid he or she gets medicated with drugs

= = = = Comment by Moderator: = = = =
I received a complaint about this post. As noted by other members in the posts below, the above comment by TRhit does not represent the opinion of the owner, moderator, or most members of this site. In fact, it's very inappropriate. I'll leave it in place since others have responded below. But anyone reading this post, please "read on" and know that this comment is not condoned by anyone besides TRhit. ~ Julie (MN-Mom)
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quote:

Originally posted by TRhit:
these socalled freshman difficulties are a direct result of todays kids being coddled

not to mention that every time there is a socalled problem with akid he or she gets medicated with drugs

TRhit:The problem with generalizations such as yours is that they are, well, general. I suggest that you consider adding some qualifiers to your statements, including but not limited to...

1. In my opinion...
2. Often...
3. In my experience...
4. Some...
5. Sometimes...
6. I have witnessed...
7. I'm not basing this on anything, but...
8. I don't know you or your kid and realize that each situation is different, but...
9. Based on the extremely limited but heartfelt information you have provided, Fusilli Jerry, I'm not sure its entirely proper for me to make an unqualified blanket statement like this, but here goes...
10. Regardless of the fact that you have expressed a heartfelt desire to get some advice from smart parents who may have encountered this in their own lives, coupled with the fact that I don't know you or your son aside from the highly personal info you have provided, nor know what position he plays, his relative skill level, or what school he is attending, allow me to say the following...

etc.

quote:

Originally posted by Fusilli Jerry:
Regardless of the fact that you have expressed a heartfelt desire to get some advice from smart parents who may have encountered this in their own lives, coupled with the fact that I don't know you or your son aside from the highly personal info you have provided, nor know what position he plays, his relative skill level, or what school he is attending, allow me to say the following...

Ouch! Ignore TRhit's comment, Jerry. Quantity (24,000+ posts) does not necessarily equal quality.

TRHit: Let me get this straight: the guy has a total of 5 posts and you've concluded that he has coddled his son and had him medicated?!!

Fusilli,
That is the classiest response I've seen on this board. There are a few blo-hards who post here. You take them with a HUGE grain of salt. Most posters, however, are sincere.

Fusilli,

Classy response.

Let me show a little less class.... ignore the old windbag and I am glad things are working out for your boy.