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Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Make Texas Toast (Very loosely based on an actual eHow© submission)

Everything is bigger in Texas (and let's hope that includes the strike zone when the World Series comes to the Lone Star state). Texas Toast is certainly no exception. Texas Toast is twice the heartbreak of normal Regular Season Toast. And watching Texas Toast being made is not easy if you're a Rangers fan because they really like their thick-sliced loaves...they just don't like them being toasted. And certainly not twice. And especially not in the City by the Bay. Hopefully Rangers fans will discover that their team, as Tony Bennett might croon, "left their crusts in San Francisco."

There are, however unfortunately, some additional qualities other than size that make Texas Toast even more authentically Texan. Read closely or you may find yourself eating an imposter! And that is never a safe practice whilst in San Francisco!
    1. Don't even think about trying to use that conventioanl toaster or toaster oven. Texas Toast should be made in a big, sickly sweet smoky ballpark full of men, women, and children festooned in orange and black and sporting thick black, bushy, and ridiculous beards. And a huge national audience should be tuned in (for at least the first few innings). To make great Texas Toast the Rangers' batters not getting timely hits is optional, but strongly encouraged. Slather liberally a few miscues in the outfield and some relief pitchers wandering aimlessly and before you know it you have Texas Toast strolling from third towards home and planting its doughy foot on the plate with just enough moxie to turn every slice into a Genuine San Francisco Treat...free sourdough runs! DO NOT insult your Texas Toast with margarine, other spreads, or any of that ubiquitous greasy goo found in too many fogbound neighborhoods. Use the real deal or your Texas Toast may just grow stale and not even be fit for the dear Mockingbird.

    2. For even better Texas Toast, fry it in bacon or burger grease. If the concession stand nearest the team is only serving tofu based fare then just keep moving along until the team's cholesterol meter trips. Make sure the team has enough to make them really, really sluggish and just a tad nauseous. Again, do not ask your Texas Toast to stoop to low levels such as PAM© cooking spray or K-Y Jelly©, and never, ever utter the acronym "EVOO" within 100 feet of your Texas Toast. Come on...Extra Virgin and San Francisco just don't mix.

    3. Serve your Texas Toast to rich anxious owners and a dejected assemblage of stars both past and present. Most likely they will appear to be finicky and fretful. Not to worry, merely serve the Texas Toast with peppered cream gravy. Somehow, on a complex molecular and not too well understood level, this will pick them up. Do not skip this step! Always, without exception, include cream gravy made with whole humility (no substitutes!). There's just something about getting creamed that really makes Texas Toast. No cream...no toast! If you do not follow this step, you are not eating Texas Toast, but rather you would be eating Diet Texas Toast, otherwise known as Toast For Lightweights or as some call it, Melba..."toast without 'tude!"


TIPS & WARNINGS. You didn't really think we could get through this without these did you?
    •Use 'smoked team' drippings in your gravy when possible.
    •Serve with sweet tea and plenty of humble pie.
    •Feelin' particularly rangy? Deep fry your Texas Toast with catfish...or "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Goodbye Fish"!
    •Got your spurs on? Mix a little salsa into your gravy and dip your Texas Toast in it for that extra kick in the a$$.
    •This could get very wet and messy so tuck the corners of your bandana into each eye. Then button up your pearl snap shirt and wear your chaps! And most important: keep an eye open behind you!
    •Eat it fast or it may eat you. Nuff said.
    •Hurry up, dude! Do you think those steers are gonna rope themselves?!
    •We're burnin' daylight! I didn't make the last few up...they just came from Deep in the Heart of Texas!
    •This article won't be found in the Fashion & Style category of eHow...it's just too gawd awful ugly for that.
    •Never serve Texas Toast with salad....unless it's Ron White's 'tater salad'. Grazing is for cows, not cowboys...but remember: "When in San Francisco, do as the San Franciscans do".





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Last edited by gotwood4sale
Game 2 was all about the first 7 innings and Matt Cain, with the 8th being about NL vs. AL baseball and the differences in the bullpens, the one area the Giants are measurably better.
The 8th is summed up by the way Bochy used Lopez for Hamilton and the Rangers didn't have guys warm and ready when strikes became scarce.
Cain was terrific. Wilson was really good.
Not much difference between them. Base runners were scarce, not many hard hit balls and Uribe and Renteria playing like they are 25 in the field and at bat.
After the Kinsler 2b, Cain took advantage of the break and threw every pitch where he wanted and needed. Leaving him at third was a masterful job.
Post game, Cain gave all the credit for the game to the 23 year old rookie catcher. Said Posey was masterful both in pitch selection and location...one of those aspects you don't really see.
Great crowd. AT&T is the best park in baseball. The location and atmosphere in and around the Park are starting to feel like the friendly confines around Wrigley.
Kinsler to me is quite a hitter. Sat with college coaches, including a pitching and hitting coach and discussed how to get him out. The idea with his upper cut swing would suggest pitching above his hands, which is what Cain did... and he lined it off the wall in CF. Unbelievably quick hands and bat...and strong.
Javy Lopez...what a situational lefty. Boy, is he something and a real weapon against guys like Hamilton, Utley and Howard. Talk about knowing your job and doing it.
Last edited by infielddad
quote:
Originally posted by Three Bagger:
Despite the bad outing, I'm still planning on going to a game in Texas, wearing a Yankee's jersey and throwing beer and stuff on Mrs. Lee. Big Grin


Better yet, dress as a Texas relief pitcher and throw stuff at her- this way, if you equal last nights efforts, she wont have to worry about anything come close to hitting her! Razz Big Grin

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