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Helicopter Parents

YoungGunDadYoungGunDadHSBaseballWeb member since 2005
What is a helicopter parent? Well, it depends on who you ask...a teacher..a professor...a coach. Here is the Washington Post view:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/20...AR2006032001167.html

Be sure to read both pages.

We all have read the numerous posts by parents on here who come here concerned about their son's playing time in high school and/or college. On the younger travel Select teams they were the stars of the team, but now as a sophomore they sit on the varsity bench. As a star high school player they started 3 years, broke all kinds of District records, signed a D1 scholly, and now ride the pine.

Ask a high school baseball coach how they feel about helicopter parents and I'm almost certain we all might get a ear full.

What are these kind of parents doing to the long term independence of their kids? Look at what Colgate says: Colgate administrators also send out a memo to department heads at the beginning of each semester reiterating that "we will not solve problems for students because it robs students of an opportunity to learn." Learn what? Solving problems.

Johnny and Susie are going to face difficult times in college, and yes, even more stress if athletics is involved. I truly believe in all this that when they will face difficulties it will teach them how to make better decisions, problem solve, think things through, work together with peers and contemporaries, etc. Let me emphasize that there may be times when a change of scenary may in fact exist. But as parents we should at the least teach our kids how to seek sound advise and counsel, and then conclude what is best. Sometimes this may mean to weather the storm and in doing so, grow. I believe the detriment done to our kids is seeing the injustices done on the ball field, etc. and wanting/thinking they should be in the starting lineup and BAM, emails start flying, calls are made, coaches from other schools get a call, etc.

As a parent we can really help in the very beginning with an eye to eye talk..i.e. son being recruited by a D1 school and a NAIA school. If he has the talent to be considered by a D1 school but see's 4 others in front of him, what is the probable outcome? Many scenarios exist. However, if he were to look at going to the NAIA program, he just may very well walk on the field from day 1 and be a superstar. What's more important? And did we discuss the various scenario's well enough to eliminate that call 2 years from now wanting to transfer due to lack of playing time?

My son leaves next fall for college ball. I've told him that if he wants to play, go earn it. He will earn his way onto the field or earn his way off of the field. I've learned so much from folks on here about how to hopefully handle these things that I like to think I would be the ideal parent. I said think! One thing for sure, if he's not playing and doesn't like it, he can seek out his coach's advise and work on it.

"The difference between excellence and mediocrity is commitment." Twitter: @KwwJ829

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W Will1,000+ posts
I coached for close to 30 years I have been out about 9. I still teach at the school. I saw the sp called helicopter aspect creeping in towards the end of my coaching stint but I have to say it is in full force now with some parents. they just dont let go. do not let their kids do what they have to do. Constantly want to know what they are doing or not doing. With todays technology e mail computers etc they just are constantly intruding. Now again not all but the ones that do are there.
B Bear1,000+ posts
Longtime Wash Post Publisher, Ms Katharine Graham (may she RIP) built a reputable and respected national newspaper, and it became a media empire.

With Graham in charge and with Ben Bradlee as managing editor, the Post set a new standard for investigative journalism.

In less than 5 years, oh how that has changed so much, I had to cancel my subscription to the W Post about three years following Kay's demise from complications from head injuries in 2001. And has it gotten worse? Yes.

Ms Strauss's strength is finding and reporting stories that get readers into classrooms and into the lives of students and their parents.

Valerie Strauss, the WP Staff Writer, should think about removing herself from her new assignment. As a 19 year Post beat writer from the Maryland desk, she recently has been moved to report on higher education.

What some have said....what makes a woman want to write and be read is essentially a desire for self-exposure and is masochistic....is agile, don't you think?.

Her "Putting Parents In Their Place: Outside Class" or "Experts Say Too Much [Parent] Involvement Can Hinder Students Independence" writes:
..Parents -- specifically parents of today's...who, many educators are discovering, can't let their kids go... is consistent with her other 'articles' and includes:

A. The newly declared US National Ambassador for
Young People's Literature is on a mission to get schools and parents to lighten up when it comes to selecting books for children!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/20...AR2008032301754.html

B. Parents complaining when a new teacher read to a group of third-graders from a book containing gruesome descriptions of violence against enslaved Africans and the conditions on the ships that brought them to the United States.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008...ST2008032301758.html

C. "Population Shift Sends Universities Scrambling" she writes: the cost of college requires a new collaborative financial aid system that takes into account cultural differences toward borrowing and spending patterns...Non-Hispanic white families are the most likely to borrow money for college, but that is the population that will experience the biggest decline. Hispanic families traditionally have fewer resources to spend and are more averse to borrowing...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/20...2008030902065_2.html

How this web site can spin a story about inside the classroom to outside to a ball field simply creates too much dizziness for my needs!
Last edited by Bear
YoungGunDadYoungGunDadHSBaseballWeb member since 2005
quote:
Originally posted by Bear:

How this web site can spin a story about inside the classroom to outside to a ball field simply creates too much dizziness for my needs!



Bear, thank you for some very indepth information. I do agree with your statement above. However, the sad part of to it all is that it does bleed over from the classrooms into the playing fields with the coaches and/or team. I think SSMom said it very eloquently.

It kinda reminds me of when I was little outside playing. I would run down the steep gravel road as fast as I could to see if I could make it standing. Often I would fall and skins my knees up pretty good. I'd go in and Mom would wipe it clean, turn me around and tell me not to do it else, I'd get skinned up again. Today's parents would put knee pads and helmets on the kid, and hold his hand as they both both walked down the incline. Somewhere along the way the parents have got to let go and allow the kids to learn many things on their own. Failure is a part of life. It teaches us many things about ourselves, and builds the character we will use in life.

As I write this I will even admit to myself that I may hold a leash however long on my son even now. It is very difficult to let go. Heck, I don't even want to let go. But I know that I must next fall. I may even have to take the leash outside and put it around the tree just to get it out of my system!

I'm not gullible enough to know that there aren't valid reasons to possibly leave a team and/or school. If my son chooses to do so, I can only hope at the end of the day that he has thought it out well and made the right decision that he will have to live with. A decision that he sought my advise and maybe others, but it was solely his.

Okay, I am off my soap box...fingers need rest!
Last edited by YoungGunDad
RJMRJMHSBaseballWeb member since 2007
Parents of independent kids should be thankful for helicopter parents. Look at all the competition that will be out of the way when it comes time to become leaders in life. The kids of helicopter parents can't find their way out of a paper bag without their parents help. And the parents might complain about the paper bag for the kid.
B 1BDad100+ posts
While baseball, or athletics in general, may have a problem with parents who are too involved. I would venture to guess, based on my own experience, that there is a much bigger problem at the high school level with parents who aren't involved enough.

Any educators on this page care to comment? Coaches may see too much parenting in baseball, but what about in the classroom?

I have a tough time imagining a college professor that has to spend "too" much time dealing with kids parents. May be true. It won't be me dealing they're dealing with.

I like to think I've reached that delicate balance in parenting (don't we all?) where my kids will grow up to be self sustaining contributing members of society. So far so good.
Infield08Infield081,000+ posts
quote:
While baseball, or athletics in general, may have a problem with parents who are too involved. I would venture to guess, based on my own experience, that there is a much bigger problem at the high school level with parents who aren't involved enough.

Any educators on this page care to comment? Coaches may see too much parenting in baseball, but what about in the classroom?


Just had a conversation this past week with a fellow baseball mom who teaches at our sons' school. She said half the time, when she lets parents know there's a problem with their child's academics or behavior, she never hears back from the parents. The other day, a student was having some problems and this teacher told the student that she needed to talk with her mom or dad. The student replied, "That's not possible right now. My parents are in China for 2 months." "Who's staying with you right now?" the teacher asked. The student replied, "Well, the housekeeper comes to our house three times a week."
StyleMismatchStyleMismatch100+ posts
I was kinda wondering how a thread on baseball parents turned into a diatribe about newspapers and reporters. Big Grin

Anyway, I've seen plenty of helicopter parents on youth teams. They're why I'm more than ready to become a taxi driver, spectator (and no doubt a fundraiser) when my son starts playing JV next year.

Once a dad interrupted a practice to inform me that his son didn't want to play outfield anymore, said his kid only wanted to pitch and play infield. Then there's always the parents that migrate to the backstop when their kids are batting to give 'helpful' pointers. I finally got smart and put some things in my written team rules that get covered at the parents meeting - I won't talk to parents during a game or practice; If a kid wants a change of scenery on the field he has to come to me himself and discuss it in a respectful manner; Don't give kids instructions during a game, that's our job. It doesn't eliminate everything, but it sure helps.

And, judging from the kids who have helicopter parents, I'd say it's a fair bet these parents by and large don't expend a tenth of the energy when it comes to the kids scholastic endeavors. And yes, I believe these parents are doing the kids a great diservice, sooner or later these kids need to learn to handle things themselves.
Last edited by StyleMismatch
TPMTPMHSBaseballweb Member since 2003
quote:
Originally posted by theygrowupfast:
Now that we have done a study on "Helicopter Parents",
maybe we can do one on how the kids of helicopter parents actually turned out. A detriment to society or a well established contributor to society. Wink


I think we all have chopper in our vains. It's when to let your kids take over the controls that counts. Wink
CM Coach May1,000+ posts
Every parent is going to raise their children the way they see fit. After spending so many years seeing so many children that had no one to raise them. Im not going to complain about the way others do raise their kids. Its not up to me to determine how someone else feels they should raise their kids. I have my own ideas. I have my own way of doing things. And of course I think I am right. But so do other parents that choose to do it differently. If they didnt feel they were right doing it that way they wouldnt be doing it.

I am a guy that believes you teach your kids certain values when they are young. You guide them and direct them the best you can. As they get older you start allowing them to make some decisions on their own. You try your best to set a good example that does not contradict what you have taught them. Quite simply you just do the best you can do and you hope that you have done a good job. But there is no way of knowing for sure if you have done it all the right way. In fact Im sure none of us have done it all the right way.

I believe its important to give your kids some space to make decisions as they get older so they can when you are no longer around to assist them. I want my kids to be able to handle their business. But I also want them to know that if they ever need me I am there in a minute to help them anyway I can.

I dont think there is a single parent on this board that doesnt love their child and want the best for them. We may go about it a little differently but so what? Who of us knows all the answers or which way is the best way in every situation? This baseball stuff can be very trying because our kids love the game and it is very important to them. Because of this it is very important to us. All we can do is try and support them and help guide them through the process and all the trials that will come.

There is no one right way. Every kids situation is different. Its great to have a place to get advice so you can bounce others experiences around and hopefully get some ideas. But ultimately the decision has to be made by the player with assistance from those he trusts.

I do believe that there are some parents that dont allow their kids to fight through the hard times. But I also know there are parents out there that are not there for their kids when they need some help and advice. I would much rather see a parent that got into the fight with and for their child than one that was too busy with their own life to help their child with his.
P Pitcher16Mom10+ posts
quote:
Originally posted by Coach May:
Every parent is going to raise their children the way they see fit. After spending so many years seeing so many children that had no one to raise them. Im not going to complain about the way others do raise their kids. Its not up to me to determine how someone else feels they should raise their kids. I have my own ideas. I have my own way of doing things. And of course I think I am right. But so do other parents that choose to do it differently. If they didnt feel they were right doing it that way they wouldnt be doing it.


Excellent Post...in it's entirety, as usual Coach May! (Do you ever post anything thats not?? Smile)

I too have seen more than my fair share of kids neglected and abused, raised in horrendous living situations where no one steps in on their behalf. So, I don't feel the need to complain too loudly if I see a few that are "over-protective". I too would like to think that as far as my own children are concerned, I have found the happy medium, but in my heart I know that is not always the case, I can slide too far to either side in any given situation.

I had a history professor back in college who claimed that things regarding human behavior over the years haven't really changed all that much. That things that happen today have always happened. What has changed is technology, and as a result the media; How quickly information is disseminated, the form it is presented in, and the spin that is placed on it. The more talented in the media have figured out they have to figure out a new way to tell the same "old story" in order to make a profit. Sensationalism can go a long way.

I tend to agree with him. I think the term "helicopter parents" is just a new catch-phrase to describe a behavior that has always been around and probably hasn't increased or decreased all that substantially. The only thing new is the amount of attention currently devoted to it.

Just my thoughts Wink
CPLZCPLZ1,000+ posts
Interesting in that they can identify the problem, but the only solution is restraint and highly uncommon, common sense.

Of course it's gone quite a bit further than just parents. We now have helicopter school administrations that wield their axes around our community as the adolescent judicial system, monitoring activities of the children through all aspects of their life.

We have helicopter politicians that think that we need to make laws to protect people from every possible eventuality (remember the recent discussions here about making aluminum bats illegal?). They feel the need to "make better and fix" nearly everything. Is that really progress?

I just wonder if the evolution of this is that we come to our senses, or if it continues down this path to some unforeseen and more absurd destination?
Last edited by CPLZ
play baseballplay baseball1,000+ posts
CPLZ, good observation, and I agree with you. I think that the first part of resolving any problem is to recognize it. Once we do that, then we can address it. And I think that the helicopter politician scenario is being addressed.

I will admit to having a little bit of helicopter mom tendencies with my oldest kid. I think it is only natural. But perhaps with age and or understanding and or just plain necessity, I can say that with my younger kids I am definitely not one, as I see the absurdity in it.
T theEH1,000+ posts
I just saw the movie Blind Side this weekend.
A feel good movie I might add.
It's about a neglected basicly homeless Black youth, taken in by a well to do White Family.
If you watch the movie you will see that there is a whole lot of Helecoptering being done by this family and other's that are involved.
What would of happened to this child had that not been done for him??
So yes there are chopper's that are detrimental and copter's that are helpful.
Just depends on how you look at it.

I know that it is very hard for parents to cut the child loose are at least give them a long leash.
It is good that they learn to make decision's and fight there own battles.
Sometimes the parent does need to step in just for ways to find out what, if any things a child could do to make thing's better.
But I believe that should be only in the classroom, Not on the Athletic field.
The Athletic field is your players domain, not the Parent's.
The Classroom is the most important, And I personally will fight tooth and nail for my child. But only if I feel that it is warrented.
I want my child to succeed, I don't ask for favors.
I ask what can be done to help.
If that is Helecoptering, Then I'm a full Fledged Attack Cobra.

EH
play baseballplay baseball1,000+ posts
I just reread YoungGunDad's original post. And then I thought about my most recent parent-teacher conference at the high school.

First, when I was in high school, I don't recall there ever being parent-teacher conferences.

Last year our high school used Edline; now they used Skyward. For those who don't know what they are, they are pretty much an on-line grade book, visible to the students and parents. With Edline, not all teachers used it and it was updated weekly; with Skyward, all teachers must use it and update it daily.

Ok, so I have a freshman and junior in hs. In a conference with one of my junior's teachers, he started explaining how she was doing, and he suggested that I could go on line every day to check her progress. I politely said to him that she is in high school and no, I don't feel the need to check out her grades every day. If SHE wants to, that's fine, but she is in high school, and no thank you. If she is getting an F, then I want to know about it, otherwise, she is on her own. Same thing with the freshman, I don't need a play-by-play of their day to day grades. Progress reports once a quarter, followed by the quarter grades, followed by the semester grades are fine with me. I must add that my children, thankfully, are good students and work very hard in the classroom.

So why do I meet with the teachers once a year? So that I can put a name to a face and I want to see and hear what kind, caring, and helpful people they are.

So I think to CPLZ's point, are we helicopter parents because we choose to be? Or are we forced to be because this is what is expected of us.

Now, I don't presume to believe that what happens in the high school that my children attend is the way it is everywhere. Same as the coach thing. Actually, I hope not. But, this is a snapshot of one high school in one suburb in Illinois.

I can tell you that the teachers are always a little surprised when I tell them that I don't really want to know about my childrens' grades. They don't always have control over their grades. What I am more concerned about is my children's effort and conduct in the classroom--something that they have total control over.
Last edited by play baseball
RJMRJMHSBaseballWeb member since 2007
quote:
Originally posted by Coach_May:
play baseball I think in many instances the first child is the one that we learn from. We micro manage the first one and by the time the second one comes around we realize our mistakes or at least we think we do. Or maybe we are just worn out? lol
Typical complaint from my daughter (oldest) until she accepted reality....

HER: You never let me do that!

ME: You didn't screw up so we're giving him (youngest) the benefit of the doubt.

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