Helping son overcome fear

This is going to be a tough one. My heart aches for you and your son. No pain is worse than what a parent feels for their child who is hurting. And when we see our children deny themselves opportunities for what appears to us as irrational or unnecessary fear, we are lost and find ourselves turning to others for help.

I wish I had an answer, but I don't. Your son has been given a gift...a parent who truly cares and is willing to spend time (not only with him, but thinking about his happiness).

I wish you and your son the best of luck.

It is a good thing you've turned to this board, lots of wise people who I'm sure will offer good advice!

ALS - This is not a baseball problem. Your son should see a therapist, not a coach. Although it is none of my business, I would think a therapist would want to know when this started, and in what other areas he hesitates to get involved. Start with your counselor, who will refer you to the school or District psychologist.

Good luck.

It's the "unknown" and the fear of failure that makes many young players fail to play a sport they love or to pursue a job or even a friendship. My son faced many of the same challenges as a young player. But as he familiarized himself with the situation and experienced success his fears waned. I think your son needs to find another boy in the same situation and "ease" into "next season" months before it starts (like now). Once the season starts he'll be fine.

My baseball playing son was just married last Thursday and being the best man, protocol forced me into an uncomfortable situation of speaking and giving a toast with many people I had never met before. As I rehearsed my thought and prepared my speech my fears (or apprehension) disappeared and I was actually looking forward to being MC of the rehearsal dinner and giving my speech and toast.

PS: My son told me on the way to the wedding that he was very nervous --- he said he was as nervous about his wedding as any baseball game he had ever played in. I know he did well and had a great time and was only nervous PRIOR to the event. You know, fear can be a great motivator if we understand what our fears are.
Fungo.

I have a 16 year old too. They are too young to understand being nervous is natural, and everyone is nervous at different things. He sounds like a perfectionist who has very high expectations of himself. That's a good thing, not a problem. I think Fungo had a good suggestion about getting a friend and having them both do some practice together. Practice will create confidence, which will help him overcome his fear of failure. And you can do that practice at a batting cage or at a local park rather than at the school field in front of all his peers. He may not believe it, but he's exactly like all his peers.

Welcome! I hope people here can help somewhat.

Has he played baseball before? Or will this be his first season?

A.L.S I was just reading some past posts and came across this that another parent, misu23, had posted about his son and his first showcase:

quote:

He actually did really well considering the poor boy was soooo very nervous. It was his first showcase and he thought everyone was going to play like A-rod. He soon realized that most of the kids were no better than he was. It was a good experience for him to get this first one under his belt! He had the best OF velocity and he pitched well although both of his velicities from the mound and the out field were not his best, mostly I believe was because of his nerviousness. but like I said it was his first and I hope he learned a lot from the experience!

Like Tx-Husker said:

quote:

They are too young to understand being nervous is natural, and everyone is nervous at different things. He sounds like a perfectionist who has very high expectations of himself.

Great advice so far and you might want to move this to the forum we have called the Mental Game in the Skills and Tips section.

From what you said you sound like a great parent in taking your son to the field and working / playing with him but you may want to back off and let him branch out like someone else said. He's a teenager and therefore he's loaded with doubt and a fear of the unknown. If he's with you all the time and your full of "atta boys" or "good jobs" then he might think you are just saying that because your his parents. Plus (and please don't be offended by this) he may not believe you because you are his mom and mom's don't know this stuff (although there are many moms on here who probably know more than I do).

Help guide him to going to the field with a buddy. It doesn't mean that you stop going to the field with him but let him branch out to work with other people of his age. He may just realize that he's as good as the rest of them.

A.L.S. I am a therapist and I agree with brod. From your post it would appear that he may have some clinical issues. The best way to find out is to get a professional working with him. The more he is "encouraged to engage", the more resistant he may become. It is very important to avoid making the experience traumatizing, which could certainly push him to avoid many other opportunities. Adolescence truly is a fragile stage in human development and we only get to go through it once. Done the right way, we become healthy, well adjusted adults. Done wrong....well...it keeps me in business. Hope that helps. Just another thought, what have you got lose (except maybe the opportunity that is only available to both him and you)?

J23

A.L.S,
Someone else asked, but I was also curious, at 16 has he played before, or just deciding to play now? If he is just wanting to start now, I would make a couple of suggestions to get him past this anxiety.

1) Possibly talk him into starting with slow pitch softball. This is a little slower paced and will allow him to work on playing the game with less pressure.

or

2) Find a miracle league he can volunteer to assist with so he can see that playing is a lot more important than playing to perfection.


Another thing you can do is get a couple of his friends together and play whiffle ball. Let him ease into the game.

Thanks everyone for your posts and help thus far. Many of you have hit a lot of what he and I are going through right on the head. I do think that easing him into playing either with a friend or a coach (and not Mom) would definitely help hence the reason I wanted to find a coach to work with him, so that he will hear the advice from someone other than me that he believes is going to tell him he's great no matter what. Yes he did play but only one year many years ago. I have also considered taking him to talk with a therapist but I guess I'm not completely confident that someone like that can get him talking -- I'm a bit afraid that he will take it as even more of a sign that he needs help with a weakness.

Hi!
We went through the same thing with one of our sons and an encouraging coach or teacher usually made the difference. However, baseball is a tough sport to pick up in high school. If your son hasn't had a lot of experience, he may not be at the same playing level as the other guys...and he probably knows it.

The best advise I have is to support whatever he wants to do in regards to extra curricular activites. By letting him know that you're OK with his decisions, you build confidence in his ability to make them.

Eventually something may intrigue him enough that he will figure out how to overcome his fears and participate. In the bigger picture, if its not baseball, that's OK.

I agree with TXMom. Baseball is a tough sport to start in high school. It includes many situations in which the player is the single person being watched by the fans, the coaches, and the other players. Each at bat lasts minutes rather than seconds, and all eyes will be on him. That's way too much pressure for a kid that doesn't have the experience AND is nervous as well.

I am not a fan of football, but a sport like that might make more sense. Also, what about a rec league?